IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Others believe there are benefits to society having more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of possessing an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

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It is argued whether
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 population could pose an issue or a benefit to societies.
This
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 essay aims to prove that having
ageing
Correct article usage
an ageing
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 population far
outhweighes
Correct your spelling
outweighs
outweigh
outweighed
 its disadvantages.
Firstly
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, elderly persons are widely important for their cultural knowledge.
Such
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 heritage is valuable for every generation,
specially
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especially
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 for young
people
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, since it helps them understand where they come from and where they are directed.
For example
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, grandparents in certain indigenous communities are considered 'sacred' for the cultural knowledge that they bear. They guide and counsel troubled younger generations, who often reach out for their advice. Even though some
pople
Correct your spelling
people
 might disagree with
this
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 statement, based on the fact that elderly
people
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 do not provide
economical
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economic
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 value for the industry, since most of them can no longer work at regular jobs.
However
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, it is not
whorty
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worthy
worth
 to deem and
condem
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condemn
such
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 a large community of
people
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 for
this
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 sole reason, because the elderly can provide help with tasks they are familiarized with,
in addition
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 to
instruct
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instructing
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 and
teach
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teaching
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people
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 as well. To illustrate, most of the elderly women were taught how to do manual
task
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tasks
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such
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 as knitting, cooking or gardening. Those are valuable skills that could be useful to everyone
,
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apply
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 since knowing how to cook or plant convey parts of daily life tasks.
According to
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 a recent study made by The Guardian, elderly women in the country of Colombia often lead and make workshops for 'modern'
people
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 who would like to learn how to bake, or
overall
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, gain manual abilities.
To conclude
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, even though
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 populations could present a problem for governments, the value and insights provided by them are fundamental for conservating culture,
as well as
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learn
Wrong verb form
learning
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 new facts and activities to implement in daily life. Underscoring
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the relevance of our elders helps us construct better and more stable societies.

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task response
Make sure your essay directly addresses the question from the beginning. State clearly if you believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, which you did effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Enhance the cohesion of your essay by using a wider range of linking phrases and topic sentences to introduce new paragraphs. This will help to guide the reader through your argument more smoothly.
task response
To improve on supporting your main points, continue to include relevant examples as you did with the indigenous communities and elderly women in Colombia. Consider adding more statistics or studies to further bolster your argument.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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