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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

the graph below show the percentage of people by age group visting the cinema at least once per month in one particular country between 1978 and 2008.

the graph below show the percentage of people by age group visting the cinema at least once per month in one particular country between 1978 and 2008.
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The line graph illustrates the percentage of
people
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 different
ages group
Fix the agreement mistake
age groups
show examples
visited
Correct pronoun usage
who visited
show examples
 once every month in
on
Correct your spelling
one
show examples
 country between 1978 to 2008 Over
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
 from 14 to 24
Use synonyms
Correct your spelling
people
peole
Correct your spelling
people
 were highest
Use synonyms
numper
Correct your spelling
number
 in
this
Linking Words
 graph others age were under 80%
People
Use synonyms
 from 14 to 24 were 90% visited
cinema
Correct article usage
the cinema
show examples
1978
Change preposition
in 1978
show examples
however
Linking Words
 the
Use synonyms
numper
Correct your spelling
number
 of
Correct your spelling
people
peolpe
Correct your spelling
people
 decreased to nearly 78 in 1988 after that
Use synonyms
Correct your spelling
people
peole
Correct your spelling
people
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased to 90% in 1998 so the
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 was
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 in 2003 about 90%
however
Linking Words
 in 2008
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 was
visitied
Correct your spelling
visited
 decreased rapidly by nearly 8% Age between 25 and 34 in1978 was 80% after that the
Use synonyms
numper
Correct your spelling
number
 of
Use synonyms
Correct your spelling
people
peole
Correct your spelling
people
 who visited
cinema
Correct article usage
the cinema
show examples
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
decreased quickly to 60 %in 1998
however
Linking Words
 the
Use synonyms
numper
Correct your spelling
number
 of
people
Use synonyms
 increased to 70 % of visitor cinema
however
Linking Words
 the
Use synonyms
numper
Correct your spelling
number
 of
people
Use synonyms
 who
visit
Wrong verb form
visited
show examples
cienam
Correct your spelling
Vietnam
 steadily after 15 years in 2003 the
number
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
peole
Correct your spelling
people
 decrease to 65%
People
Use synonyms
 from 35to 49 were 60 % after that the
Use synonyms
numper
Correct your spelling
number
 of
people
Use synonyms
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
decreased
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
rapidly to 60% in 1988,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 the
Use synonyms
numper
Correct your spelling
number
 of
people
Use synonyms
 increased to nearly62%after that the
Use synonyms
numper
Correct your spelling
number
 of
people
Use synonyms
 steadily about 5 years
however
Linking Words
 from 1998 to 2003 the
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 decreased to around 60% In 50 years and above the
Use synonyms
numper
Correct your spelling
number
 of
Correct your spelling
people
peolpe
Correct your spelling
people
 was 40 %
however
Linking Words
 the
Use synonyms
numper
Correct your spelling
number
 of
Correct your spelling
people
peolpe
Correct your spelling
people
 decreased quickly to 20% in 1988

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, peole, numper, number with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 7 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "rapidly" was used 2 times.
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