IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

the graph below show the percentage of people by age group visting the cinema at least once per month in one particular country between 1978 and 2008.

the graph below show the percentage of people by age group visting the cinema at least once per month in one particular country between 1978 and 2008.
#show #percentage #people #age #group #cinema #month #country
The line graph illustrates the percentage of
people
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 different
ages group
Fix the agreement mistake
age groups
show examples
visited
Correct pronoun usage
who visited
show examples
 once every month in
on
Correct your spelling
one
show examples
 country between 1978 to 2008 Over
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
 from 14 to 24
Correct your spelling
people
peole
Correct your spelling
people
 were highest
numper
Correct your spelling
number
 in
this
 graph others age were under 80%
People
 from 14 to 24 were 90% visited
cinema
Correct article usage
the cinema
show examples
1978
Change preposition
in 1978
show examples
however
 the
numper
Correct your spelling
number
 of
Correct your spelling
people
peolpe
Correct your spelling
people
 decreased to nearly 78 in 1988 after that
Correct your spelling
people
peole
Correct your spelling
people
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased to 90% in 1998 so the
number
 of
people
 was
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 in 2003 about 90%
however
 in 2008
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
number
 of
people
 was
visitied
Correct your spelling
visited
 decreased rapidly by nearly 8% Age between 25 and 34 in1978 was 80% after that the
numper
Correct your spelling
number
 of
Correct your spelling
people
peole
Correct your spelling
people
 who visited
cinema
Correct article usage
the cinema
show examples
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
decreased quickly to 60 %in 1998
however
 the
numper
Correct your spelling
number
 of
people
 increased to 70 % of visitor cinema
however
 the
numper
Correct your spelling
number
 of
people
 who
visit
Wrong verb form
visited
show examples
cienam
Correct your spelling
Vietnam
 steadily after 15 years in 2003 the
number
 of
peole
Correct your spelling
people
 decrease to 65%
People
 from 35to 49 were 60 % after that the
numper
Correct your spelling
number
 of
people
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
decreased
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
rapidly to 60% in 1988,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 the
numper
Correct your spelling
number
 of
people
 increased to nearly62%after that the
numper
Correct your spelling
number
 of
people
 steadily about 5 years
however
 from 1998 to 2003 the
number
 of
people
 decreased to around 60% In 50 years and above the
numper
Correct your spelling
number
 of
Correct your spelling
people
peolpe
Correct your spelling
people
 was 40 %
however
 the
numper
Correct your spelling
number
 of
Correct your spelling
people
peolpe
Correct your spelling
people
 decreased quickly to 20% in 1988
Submitted by nawafalruwaili363 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
▼
Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words people, peole, numper, number with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 7 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "rapidly" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: