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Band 5.5

Some people say that the only way to get success is to go to the University. While others think that it depends on other factors. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #success #university #factors
There are controversial perspectives heating up a debate over the justification of being fruitful.
While
 some claim that the sole approach to
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
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 a
high-achiever
Correct your spelling
high achiever
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 is to digest valuable insights at an academy, the opposite makes a statement that it has a heavy reliance on various facets.
While
 each has its own perk, I would contend that it is optimal to combine both mentioned factors. Without a shadow of a doubt, having a learning journey at an academy
brings
Verb problem
has
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 an immense influence on individuals’ high achievements.
Since absorbing
Correct word choice
Absorbing
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 precious insights provides scholars with a firm knowledge
fundamental
Correct word choice
apply
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which can pave the way for them to get decent jobs in the upcoming years. Statistics, logistics and business administration insights can be listed as outstanding instances that stand them a good stead of having chances to be hired at prestigious companies.
Hence
, enrolling in tertiary education is taken into
into
Remove the redundancy
apply
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keen consideration for people to achieve high
accomplishment
Fix the agreement mistake
accomplishments
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 in their lives.
While
 the necessities of entering
colleges
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college
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 are widely acknowledged, it is unfair if the redeeming features of other elements are ignored, especially soft
skills
.
As it
Correct word choice
It
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 is significant to note that employees who are
master
Fix the agreement mistake
masters
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at
Change preposition
of
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 those useful
skills
, will rapidly make valuable results for corporations without wasting training time.
For example
, it is straightforward to make a deal with clients by persuading them to use services or purchase items for well-negotiated
laborers
Change the spelling
labourers
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, which clearly will make exponential growth for a company’s income.
Therefore
,
set
Correct article usage
a set
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 of
skills
 plays a paramount significant role in people’s fruitfulness. In conclusion,
while
 getting into institutions proves itself as a merit for inhabitants’ high accomplishment, there is a flood of other factors that bring equivalent upsides
such
 as helpful
skills
.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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task achievement
Your introduction does a good job of presenting the topic and your stance; however, try to make your thesis statement more explicit to directly address the prompt.
coherence and cohesion
To improve clarity, consider using a wider range of linking words and clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. This will help the reader to better follow your arguments and structure.
task achievement
Adding more specific examples or personal anecdotes could significantly strengthen your argument. The examples you provided were good, but being more detailed and specific could further illustrate your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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