IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people spend a lot of money attenting cultural or sports events. Is it a good or a bad thing? Give your opinion and examples from your own experience.

#people #money #sports #events
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Cultural and
Use synonyms
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
events
Use synonyms
 are so significant for almost all individuals.
Therefore
Linking Words
, a
lot
Use synonyms
 of citizens spend much money attending these
events
Use synonyms
. In my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 situation has a
lot
Use synonyms
 of benefits for
people
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will explain those below.
Firstly
Linking Words
, every
individiuals
Correct your spelling
individuals
individual
want
Correct subject-verb agreement
wants
show examples
 to improve themselves. Thanks to cultural and
Use synonyms
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
events
Use synonyms
,
humans
Use synonyms
 learn new things
such
Linking Words
 as new terms for history or sports. These things are so important for the lives of
humans
Use synonyms
 because
people
Use synonyms
 need a
lot
Use synonyms
 of information for daily life.
For instance
Linking Words
, If pupils who have to attend history classes
attending
Wrong verb form
attend
show examples
 those
events
Use synonyms
, improve themselves and learn new historical terms. Owing to these data, these students have advantages for their
exam
Fix the agreement mistake
exams
show examples
 and lives.
Secondly
Linking Words
, nowadays, citizens have experienced a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
stresssful
Correct your spelling
stressful
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
. Thanks to these
events
Use synonyms
,
people
Use synonyms
 have
chance
Add an article
a chance
show examples
 in order to
spend
Verb problem
have
show examples
enjoyable
Correct article usage
an enjoyable
show examples
 time.
Moreover
Linking Words
, many researches show,
Use synonyms
people
Correct word choice
that people
show examples
 who go to
Use synonyms
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 matches regularly can protect
mental
Correct pronoun usage
their mental
show examples
 health than others.
For example
Linking Words
, when I was
child
Correct article usage
a child
show examples
, I did not use to go soccer matches and I felt blue.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
recent
Change preposition
in recent
show examples
 times, I have going
these
Change preposition
to these
show examples
 matches and I feel over the moon. In my opinion, owing to
this
Linking Words
 habit, every
people
Use synonyms
 might feel
relaxed
Correct quantifier usage
more relaxed
show examples
 than others In conclusion, cultural and
Use synonyms
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
events
Use synonyms
 are so important for almost all
humans
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 spend a
lot
Use synonyms
 of money
for attending
Change preposition
to attend
show examples
 these
events
Use synonyms
. I support
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 ideas as thanks to
attent
Correct your spelling
attend
 those
events
Use synonyms
,
humans
Use synonyms
 feel well and improve themselves
everytime
Replace the word
every time
show examples
.
Submitted by izzetmiski17 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear, logical structure. This includes having a distinct introduction, development paragraphs, and a conclusion. Use paragraphing effectively to separate different ideas.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are important to frame your essay. Your introduction should clearly present the essay topic and your stance. The conclusion should summarize your main points and restate your opinion. Yours are present but could be more distinct.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with detailed, relevant examples. While you have provided examples, they could be more specific and detailed to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Ensure your response fully addresses all parts of the task. You provided a clear opinion and supported it with reasons; however, adding more detailed examples and elaborating on points would improve this.
task achievement
Use a range of vocabulary and structures to express ideas clearly. While you have demonstrated this, there were instances of repetition and some grammatical errors. Proofreading and using varied vocabulary could improve clarity and coherence.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: