Many young people today know more about international pop or movie stars than about famous people in the history of their own country. Why is this? What can be done to increase young people’s interest in famous people in the history of their country?

#people #pop #movie #stars #history #country #people’s #interest

These days, A lot of youth know about international celebrities,and they don’t tend to be interested in historical

people

in their nation.

This

essay

eill

Correct your spelling

will

focus on the causes and

solution

Fix the agreement mistake

solutions

show examples

this social problems

Change the determiner

this social problem

these social problems

show examples

about young

people

Firstly

, there are few

opprotunities

Correct your spelling

opportunities

to learn about

history

Add an article

the history

show examples

of their

counties

Correct your spelling

countries

show examples

. Of

cource

Correct your spelling

course

, they study at school, but

that is

only for

pass

Replace the word

passing

show examples

exams, not having any interests.

In contrast

, they can see many

famouse

Correct your spelling

famous

pop

sters

Correct your spelling

stars

or actors on SNS, YouTube, and so on. Some TV programs about

history

have been broadcasted, but recently

youg

Correct your spelling

young

people

don’t watch TV.

As a result

history

is not

Correct article usage

an initimate

show examples

initimate

Correct your spelling

intimate

thing for

youg

Correct your spelling

young

people

anymore. One solution would be making anime or

manga

about historic heroes. Anime and

manga

are really popular

contents

Fix the agreement mistake

content

show examples

lately. A good example is a Japanese

manga

called “Gintama”. Mixed

fantacy

Correct your spelling

fantasy

and real historical

contets

Correct your spelling

contexts

contents

this

manga

, it was easy and fun for children, and

then

, it went very popular among them.

In addition

, many

people

wanted to know about the true

history

Change preposition

show examples

the era after reading the

manga

, and

historic

Correct word choice

historical

show examples

books written about the period were sold a lot at that time. In conclusion, it is important to make

contents

Fix the agreement mistake

content

show examples

which is easy to understand and fun for youth. If they are not exactly correct things, it will become the first step for them. I hope more historic mangas or animes are

producted

Correct your spelling

produced

, and

then

, young

people

are curious about their own

countries

Change noun form

countries'

country's

show examples

history

and learn about it more.

Submitted by mayu1022.p on Wed Mar 06 2024

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Task Achievement

Ensure the introduction clearly outlines the upcoming discussion points to immediately engage the reader and set expectations. The essay attempted this, though it could be made more straightforward and impactful.

Task Achievement

To improve clarity and comprehensiveness, aim for a cleaner argument structure. Start paragraphs with a clear topic sentence, followed by explanations, examples, and finally a brief conclusion or transition sentence. This would greatly enhance the readability and argument flow.

Coherence & Cohesion

Incorporate a broader range of sentence structures and transitions to enhance the richness and fluidity of your writing. This will not only make your essay more engaging but will also demonstrate your language proficiency.

Coherence & Cohesion

Focus on the precision of language use. Choose words and phrases that precisely convey your ideas and avoid vague language. Editing for grammatical accuracy and appropriate word choice can have a positive impact on the coherence of your essay.

Task Achievement

Provide specific examples that are directly related to the arguments you are making. While the example of "Gintama" was good, adding more examples or details would make your argument more convincing and relevant.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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7Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
22Grammar mistakes
 

5 paragraphs

252 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

Pervasive
Globalized media
Social media platforms
Contemporary culture
Glamorous
Educational curriculum
Multimedia resources
National pride
Exhibitions
Engaging storytelling
Interactive apps
Historical figures
Narratives
Celebrations
Underemphasizing

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Many young people today know more about international pop or movie stars than about famous people in the history of their own country. Why is this? What can be done to increase young people’s interest in famous people in the history of their country?

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Many children today spend a lot of time on social media which hurts their grades. what is the cause of this? What can be done to solve this?

some people believe that children should be allowed to stay at home and play until they are six or seven years old. others believe that it is important for young children to go to school as soon as possible. what do you think are the advantages of attending school from a young age?

In the future, more people will choose to go on holiday in their own country and not travel abroad on holiday. Do you agree or disagree?

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Some people believe that most crime is a result of circumstances, e.g. poverty and other social problems. Others, however, believe most crime is caused by people who are bad by nature. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Some people believe that most crime is a result of circumstances, e.g. poverty and other social problems. Others, however, believe most crime is caused by people who are bad by nature.  Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.