Many young people today know more about international pop or movie stars than about famous people in the history of their own country. Why is this? What can be done to increase young people’s interest in famous people in the history of their country?

#people #pop #movie #stars #history #country #people’s #interest

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These days, A lot of youth know about international celebrities,and they don’t tend to be interested in historical

people

Use synonyms

in their nation.

This

Linking Words

essay

eill

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will

focus on the causes and

solution

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solutions

show examples

Linking Words

this social problems

Change the determiner

this social problem

these social problems

show examples

about young

people

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Firstly

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, there are few

opprotunities

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opportunities

to learn about

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history

Add an article

the history

show examples

of their

counties

Correct your spelling

countries

show examples

. Of

cource

Correct your spelling

course

, they study at school, but

that is

Linking Words

only for

pass

Replace the word

passing

show examples

exams, not having any interests.

In contrast

Linking Words

, they can see many

famouse

Correct your spelling

famous

pop

sters

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stars

or actors on SNS, YouTube, and so on. Some TV programs about

history

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have been broadcasted, but recently

youg

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young

people

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don’t watch TV.

As a result

Linking Words

history

Use synonyms

is not

Correct article usage

an initimate

show examples

initimate

Correct your spelling

intimate

thing for

youg

Correct your spelling

young

people

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anymore. One solution would be making anime or

manga

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about historic heroes. Anime and

manga

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are really popular

contents

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content

show examples

lately. A good example is a Japanese

manga

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called “Gintama”. Mixed

fantacy

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fantasy

and real historical

contets

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contexts

contents

this

Linking Words

manga

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, it was easy and fun for children, and

then

Linking Words

, it went very popular among them.

In addition

Linking Words

, many

people

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wanted to know about the true

history

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Change preposition

show examples

the era after reading the

manga

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, and

historic

Correct word choice

historical

show examples

books written about the period were sold a lot at that time. In conclusion, it is important to make

contents

Fix the agreement mistake

content

show examples

which is easy to understand and fun for youth. If they are not exactly correct things, it will become the first step for them. I hope more historic mangas or animes are

producted

Correct your spelling

produced

, and

then

Linking Words

, young

people

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are curious about their own

countries

Change noun form

countries'

country's

show examples

history

Use synonyms

and learn about it more.

Submitted by mayu1022.p on Wed Mar 06 2024

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Task Achievement

Ensure the introduction clearly outlines the upcoming discussion points to immediately engage the reader and set expectations. The essay attempted this, though it could be made more straightforward and impactful.

Task Achievement

To improve clarity and comprehensiveness, aim for a cleaner argument structure. Start paragraphs with a clear topic sentence, followed by explanations, examples, and finally a brief conclusion or transition sentence. This would greatly enhance the readability and argument flow.

Coherence & Cohesion

Incorporate a broader range of sentence structures and transitions to enhance the richness and fluidity of your writing. This will not only make your essay more engaging but will also demonstrate your language proficiency.

Coherence & Cohesion

Focus on the precision of language use. Choose words and phrases that precisely convey your ideas and avoid vague language. Editing for grammatical accuracy and appropriate word choice can have a positive impact on the coherence of your essay.

Task Achievement

Provide specific examples that are directly related to the arguments you are making. While the example of "Gintama" was good, adding more examples or details would make your argument more convincing and relevant.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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7
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
22
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

5 paragraphs

252 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

Pervasive
Globalized media
Social media platforms
Contemporary culture
Glamorous
Educational curriculum
Multimedia resources
National pride
Exhibitions
Engaging storytelling
Interactive apps
Historical figures
Narratives
Celebrations
Underemphasizing

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Many young people today know more about international pop or movie stars than about famous people in the history of their own country. Why is this? What can be done to increase young people’s interest in famous people in the history of their country?

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Some people feel that the legal age at which people can marry should be at least 21. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Some people think young people are not suitable for important position in the government while other people think it is a good idea for young people to take on the positions. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

to what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? in the future, nobody will buy printed newspapers or books because they will be able to read everything they want online without paying.