New technologies have changed the way children spend theri free time. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?
The way how
children
spend their leisure time
has been changed by the
gadgets. The writer argues that Correct article usage
apply
although
technologies
can help children
develop their mental health, the drawbacks of causing sedentary
lifestyle Correct article usage
a sedentary
as well as
impacting social interaction ability outweigh the advantage
.
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
Children
having a sedentary lifestyle is one of the disadvantages of spending free time
on the
gadgets. Correct article usage
apply
In other words
, since many new technologies
being
invented, many Wrong verb form
have been
children
have been glued to those gadgets as there are
plenty of entertainment for them to use, Change the verb form
is
they
spend a great deal of Correct word choice
and they
time
indulging in the imaginary world. Consequently
, this
leads to a reduction of exercises
, causing many health issues or even obesity.
An impact on social contact ability is another downside Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
od
spending Correct your spelling
of
time
on technologies
.
To be specific, when Fix the agreement mistake
technology
children
use
most of their Verb problem
spend
time
playing games or using Internet
for a long period, the rate of shyness will increase and there will be no room for communicating. Add an article
the Internet
As a consequence
, those children
are not only be
more likely to be depressed but Change the verb form
are not only
also
not bonding well with others.
By contrast
, technologies
may offer young people a development of creativity. Simply put, not every single games
that are invented for only Change to a singular noun
game
entertaining
with Replace the word
entertainment
meaningless
plot, there are some games help Add an article
the meaningless
a meaningless
chidren
enhance their imagination Correct your spelling
children
such
as Minecraft whre
players can live Correct your spelling
where
their
own ingame world and construct Change preposition
in their
building
. Fix the agreement mistake
buildings
However
, there will be a risk of addiction for children
because they have not developed both mentally and physically, balancing the online times
with real-life Fix the agreement mistake
time
times
is very difficult for them without parental control.
In conclusion, Fix the agreement mistake
time
while
spending most of the free time
online might develop children
's creativity, the demerits of social interaction impact together with
the risk of having a sedentary lifestyle outweigh the merit.Submitted by 11E4 Community on
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Task Achievement
To improve your score in task achievement, try to fully address all parts of the task more directly and clearly. Make sure to state your position on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages explicitly in the introduction and reinforce this in the conclusion for a more complete response.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance your coherence and cohesion by varying your linking devices more and ensuring paragraphs flow logically from one to the next. Plan your paragraphs around main ideas, each followed by specific examples or explanations, to tighten the logical structure.
Task Achievement
Incorporate more relevant and specific examples to support your main points. While you mention the impact of technology on physical health and social skills, adding more detailed examples or data could strengthen your argument and make your essay more persuasive.
General advice
Carefully proofread your essay to correct typographical errors ('od' should be 'of', 'chidren' should be 'children') and ensure clarity of expression. Attention to detail can significantly enhance the overall quality of your writing.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.