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Band 5

New technologies have changed the way children do in their free time. Do the advantages outweigh disadvantages?

#technologies #children #time
Whether we like it or not, in the past few decades, the advent of modern gadgets
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 transformed all aspects of offspring's leisure pursuits in their break time. The writer states that
inspite
Correct your spelling
in spite
 of bad impacts on physical health, the merits of having diverse enterprises for their entertainment and the enhancement of
communication
 outweigh the
drawback
Fix the agreement mistake
drawbacks
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. To commence with, it is advantageous for
children
 to relax by various activities coming from modern gadgets. To elucidate, those interesting devices consist of incredible games that
children
 possibly access to,
instead
 of boring with playing
tradional
Correct your spelling
traditional
 games. From
then
,
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
 find it striking to enjoy their pastime.
Additonally
Correct your spelling
Additionally
,
this
 innovation can enhance modes of
communication
 permitting
children
 to stay connected with distant friends and family.
In other words
, those individuals have
an
Change the article
the
show examples
 ability to send messages
as well as
 have video calls
throughout
Change preposition
through
show examples
utilities
Correct article usage
the utilities
show examples
 of social platforms.
Furthermore
, the speed of
communication
 is augmented on
condition
Correct article usage
the condition
show examples
 that being faster and faster.
For example
, Facebook and
instagram
Change the capitalization
Instagram
show examples
 are prevalent social
medias
Correct your spelling
media
show examples
 that are used by
children
.
Conversely
, the discernible shortcoming is that
children
 are negatively influenced
on
Change preposition
by
show examples
 physical health. In fact,
children
 are mostly humpbacked
due to
 the sedentary lifestyle.
Besides
, those individuals regularly feel tired because of excessive time screen that causes eye strain. Take Vietnamese
children
 as an example, over 40% of them are in trouble with bone disease
due to
 the abuse of
using
Verb problem
apply
show examples
technological gadgets. In conclusion,
although
children
 can have a big impact on physical health, it is useful for them to have various activities and
enhaced
Correct your spelling
enhanced
 modes of
communication
.
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Task Achievement
Consider starting with a more structured introduction that clearly outlines your essay's stance. For instance, 'This essay agrees that the advantages of new technologies for children's leisure outweigh the disadvantages due to...,' followed by a summary of your main points.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay has a good general structure, but could benefit from clearer transitions between paragraphs. Try using phrases like 'Firstly,' 'Additionally,' or 'However,' to better signal changes in points or perspectives.
Task Achievement
While you've brought up relevant examples, enhancing them with more details or statistics could strengthen your argument. For example, you mentioned 'Facebook and Instagram' - consider adding a study or survey that shows their positive impact on children's communication skills.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Digital literacy
  • Cyberbullying
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Inappropriate content
  • Self-learning
  • Screen time
  • Social inequality
  • Enhanced communication
  • Creative expression
  • Educational resources
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