New technologies have changed the way children do in their free time. Do the advantages outweigh disadvantages?

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Whether we like it or not, in the past few decades, the advent of modern gadgets
have
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has
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transformed all aspects of offspring's leisure pursuits in their break time. The writer states that
inspite
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in spite
of bad impacts on physical health, the merits of having diverse enterprises for their entertainment and the enhancement of
communication
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outweigh the
drawback
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drawbacks
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. To commence with, it is advantageous for
children
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to relax by various activities coming from modern gadgets. To elucidate, those interesting devices consist of incredible games that
children
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possibly access to,
instead
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of boring with playing
tradional
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traditional
games. From
then
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,
offsprings
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offspring
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find it striking to enjoy their pastime.
Additonally
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Additionally
,
this
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innovation can enhance modes of
communication
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permitting
children
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to stay connected with distant friends and family.
In other words
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, those individuals have
an
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the
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ability to send messages
as well as
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have video calls
throughout
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through
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utilities
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the utilities
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of social platforms.
Furthermore
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, the speed of
communication
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is augmented on
condition
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the condition
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that being faster and faster.
For example
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, Facebook and
instagram
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Instagram
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are prevalent social
medias
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media
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that are used by
children
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.
Conversely
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, the discernible shortcoming is that
children
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are negatively influenced
on
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by
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physical health. In fact,
children
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are mostly humpbacked
due to
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the sedentary lifestyle.
Besides
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, those individuals regularly feel tired because of excessive time screen that causes eye strain. Take Vietnamese
children
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as an example, over 40% of them are in trouble with bone disease
due to
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the abuse of
using
Verb problem
apply
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technological gadgets. In conclusion,
although
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children
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can have a big impact on physical health, it is useful for them to have various activities and
enhaced
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enhanced
modes of
communication
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.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

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Task Achievement
Consider starting with a more structured introduction that clearly outlines your essay's stance. For instance, 'This essay agrees that the advantages of new technologies for children's leisure outweigh the disadvantages due to...,' followed by a summary of your main points.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay has a good general structure, but could benefit from clearer transitions between paragraphs. Try using phrases like 'Firstly,' 'Additionally,' or 'However,' to better signal changes in points or perspectives.
Task Achievement
While you've brought up relevant examples, enhancing them with more details or statistics could strengthen your argument. For example, you mentioned 'Facebook and Instagram' - consider adding a study or survey that shows their positive impact on children's communication skills.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Digital literacy
  • Cyberbullying
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Inappropriate content
  • Self-learning
  • Screen time
  • Social inequality
  • Enhanced communication
  • Creative expression
  • Educational resources
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