New technologies have changed the way children do in their free time. Do the advantages outweigh disadvantages?

#technologies #children #time

Whether we like it or not, in the past few decades, the advent of modern gadgets

have

Correct subject-verb agreement

has

show examples

transformed all aspects of offspring's leisure pursuits in their break time. The writer states that

inspite

Correct your spelling

in spite

of bad impacts on physical health, the merits of having diverse enterprises for their entertainment and the enhancement of

communication

outweigh the

drawback

Fix the agreement mistake

drawbacks

show examples

. To commence with, it is advantageous for

children

to relax by various activities coming from modern gadgets. To elucidate, those interesting devices consist of incredible games that

children

possibly access to,

instead

of boring with playing

tradional

Correct your spelling

traditional

games. From

then

offsprings

Fix the agreement mistake

offspring

show examples

find it striking to enjoy their pastime.

Additonally

Correct your spelling

Additionally

this

innovation can enhance modes of

communication

permitting

children

to stay connected with distant friends and family.

In other words

, those individuals have

Change the article

the

show examples

ability to send messages

as well as

have video calls

throughout

Change preposition

through

show examples

utilities

Correct article usage

the utilities

show examples

of social platforms.

Furthermore

, the speed of

communication

is augmented on

condition

Correct article usage

the condition

show examples

that being faster and faster.

For example

, Facebook and

instagram

Change the capitalization

Instagram

show examples

are prevalent social

medias

Correct your spelling

media

show examples

that are used by

children

Conversely

, the discernible shortcoming is that

children

are negatively influenced

Change preposition

show examples

physical health. In fact,

children

are mostly humpbacked

due to

the sedentary lifestyle.

Besides

, those individuals regularly feel tired because of excessive time screen that causes eye strain. Take Vietnamese

children

as an example, over 40% of them are in trouble with bone disease

due to

the abuse of

using

Verb problem

apply

show examples

technological gadgets. In conclusion,

although

children

can have a big impact on physical health, it is useful for them to have various activities and

enhaced

Correct your spelling

enhanced

modes of

communication

Submitted by 11E4 Community on Wed Mar 06 2024

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Task Achievement

Consider starting with a more structured introduction that clearly outlines your essay's stance. For instance, 'This essay agrees that the advantages of new technologies for children's leisure outweigh the disadvantages due to...,' followed by a summary of your main points.

Coherence & Cohesion

Your essay has a good general structure, but could benefit from clearer transitions between paragraphs. Try using phrases like 'Firstly,' 'Additionally,' or 'However,' to better signal changes in points or perspectives.

Task Achievement

While you've brought up relevant examples, enhancing them with more details or statistics could strengthen your argument. For example, you mentioned 'Facebook and Instagram' - consider adding a study or survey that shows their positive impact on children's communication skills.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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11Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
15Grammar mistakes
 

5 paragraphs

261 words

5.00

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

Digital literacy
Cyberbullying
Sedentary lifestyle
Inappropriate content
Self-learning
Screen time
Social inequality
Enhanced communication
Creative expression
Educational resources

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New technologies have changed the way children do in their free time. Do the advantages outweigh disadvantages?

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Some people believe that professionals, such as doctors and engineers, should be required to work in the country where they did their training. Others believe they should be free to work in another country if they wish. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

There are both problems and benefits for high school students to study plays and other works for theater that were written centuries ago. Use your own experience to discuss it.

When a new town is planned, it is more important to develop public parks and sports facilities than shopping centers for people to spend their time in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Creative artists should always be given the freedom to express their own ideas (in word, picture, music or films) in whichever way they wish. There should be no government restrictions on what they do. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?