IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

ome people think that visiting museums is the best way for children to learn history, while many others think there are several better ways. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#ome #people #museums #children #history
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Some group of people think that exploring and visiting
museums
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 is the finest way to teach them
history
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,
while
Linking Words
 many others think there are better methods for them to learn
history
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. In the following essay, these opinions are going to be discussed. First of all, nobody can deny the effect that
museums
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 have on
children
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's passion for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
history
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. You see, when I was a kid, visiting
museums
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 with school
camp
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camps
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 was one of the most enjoyable moments I had in my childhood, which had a
marvelous
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marvellous
show examples
 effect on my interest in
history
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. Even if
children
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 go to
Add an article
the museum
a museum
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museum
Fix the agreement mistake
museums
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 with their parents, they still can learn about the culture, manners, lifestyle and many other things about
Correct pronoun usage
their ancestors
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ancestors
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ancestors'
ancestor's
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 lives.
However
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,
this
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 might not be the best way to encourage youngsters to
history
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. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
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 hand, nowadays
children
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 are not as interested as before in
Correct pronoun usage
their ancestors
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ancestors
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ancestors'
ancestor's
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 lives, because they live in an era
which
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in which
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 technology speaks in everything.
Therefore
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, visiting
museums
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 and showing them old items from the past decades is not
Rephrase
as exiting
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exiting
Correct your spelling
exciting
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 as before.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 means other ways of showing
history
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 could be beneficial in teaching
children
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.
For example
Linking Words
, 3d videos can excite them to get more knowledge
in
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about
show examples
 ancient animals or playing video games about different occasions in the past decades would get their interest in these areas; "uncharted" game series are about a group of people who travel to find treasures all around world meanwhile introducing you various historical places and happenings in those ancient areas. In conclusion, despite of many benefits and appealing aspects of visiting
museums
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had
Unnecessary verb
apply
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in the past decades, it is time to move on to the modern, futuristic, newer ways of teaching and help
young
Correct article usage
the young
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 generation to study
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
history
Use synonyms
 in a way which
claims
Verb problem
holds
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 their attention and interest.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance your essay, consider incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices and transitions to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. This would elevate the coherence and cohesion of your work, making it easier to follow.
task achievement
For a stronger task achievement score, ensure that all parts of the prompt are fully addressed. Your essay does well in discussing both views and giving your opinion, but further elaboration on why modern methods may be more effective could deepen your response. Adding more detailed examples and explanations would also help clarify and support your ideas, making them more comprehensive.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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