The family has great influence on children’s development, but the influence from outside the home plays a bigger part in children’s life. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Some people assume that Families always affect
kid’s
future, Fix the agreement mistake
kids’
however
, the Linking Words
outer
world Correct word choice
outside
Use synonyms
influence
Change the verb form
influences
children
more. In my opinion, I disagree with Use synonyms
this
point of view. I believe that the natural family plays a more important role in kids’ growth.
It is admitted that outside decides Linking Words
Use synonyms
children’s
social Use synonyms
health
. The outside world of Use synonyms
children
is nothing more Use synonyms
that
school and peers. They study and play with classmates on campus every day. Correct word choice
than
Therefore
, students learn how to get Linking Words
along with
Linking Words
friend
during the process of growing up. Kids acquire the ability to keep social Fix the agreement mistake
friends
health
as making friends is an important part Use synonyms
in
the definition of social Change preposition
of
health
. Use synonyms
Children
Use synonyms
is
undoubtedly influenced by the outer world in Change the verb form
are
this
respect.
Linking Words
However
, family is Linking Words
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
children’s
source of money. A family usually consists of Correct article usage
the children’s
children
and adults Use synonyms
such
as Linking Words
parents
and relatives. It is obvious that these adults are the people who have the ability to earn money and support the family. Use synonyms
As a result
, Linking Words
parents
pay for Use synonyms
fee
and kid’s other Fix the agreement mistake
fees
expenditure
. Fix the agreement mistake
expenditures
Children
cannot live in Use synonyms
the
society on their own, which means they cannot survive without their families. It is Correct article usage
apply
family
that gives Correct article usage
a family
children
support on money.
Use synonyms
Furthermore
, Linking Words
Use synonyms
children’s
families of origin Use synonyms
influence
their mental Use synonyms
health
. Use synonyms
Children
Use synonyms
stays
with their family members for the longest time than others during their childhood. Henceforth, kids are always taught lessons by Change the verb form
stay
parents
. Use synonyms
Also
, Linking Words
parents
might exert a subtle Use synonyms
influence
on Use synonyms
Use synonyms
children’s
behaviour patterns. Use synonyms
Consequently
, people often say that Linking Words
kid
is a mirror of Correct article usage
a kid
Use synonyms
parents
. Correct pronoun usage
their parents
Parents
’ good or bad habits will all taken by Use synonyms
children
. There are many examples that Use synonyms
Use synonyms
children’s
mental Use synonyms
harms
by their Fix the agreement mistake
harm
family
.
Fix the agreement mistake
families
According to
the reasons above, I disagree with the argument that the Linking Words
influence
from outside the home is more than Use synonyms
Use synonyms
influence
from home in kids’ life.Correct article usage
the influence
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coherence cohesion
Your essay presents an understandable argument but lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. Consider structuring your essay with a distinct introduction stating your main argument, followed by body paragraphs supporting your points, and a concise conclusion summarizing your stance.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, try to organize your ideas more logically and create clearer connections between them. Use a variety of linking words to better connect your paragraphs and sentences, making your argument more coherent.
task achievement
While you have attempted to respond to the task, the response could be more comprehensive. Be sure to fully answer all parts of the prompt, and clarify your main ideas with specific examples and explanations to support your argument.
task achievement
Incorporate relevant, specific examples to strengthen your argument. Examples are a powerful way to illustrate your points and make your argument more convincing. Ensure these examples are clearly linked to your main ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example