The family has great influence on children’s development, but the influence from outside the home plays a bigger part in children’s life. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Some people assume that Families always affect
kid’s
future, Fix the agreement mistake
kids’
however
, the outer
world Correct word choice
outside
influence
Change the verb form
influences
children
more. In my opinion, I disagree with this
point of view. I believe that the natural family plays a more important role in kids’ growth.
It is admitted that outside decides children’s
social health
. The outside world of children
is nothing more that
school and peers. They study and play with classmates on campus every day. Correct word choice
than
Therefore
, students learn how to get along with
friend
during the process of growing up. Kids acquire the ability to keep social Fix the agreement mistake
friends
health
as making friends is an important part in
the definition of social Change preposition
of
health
. Children
is
undoubtedly influenced by the outer world in Change the verb form
are
this
respect.
However
, family is children’s
source of money. A family usually consists of Correct article usage
the children’s
children
and adults such
as parents
and relatives. It is obvious that these adults are the people who have the ability to earn money and support the family. As a result
, parents
pay for fee
and kid’s other Fix the agreement mistake
fees
expenditure
. Fix the agreement mistake
expenditures
Children
cannot live in the
society on their own, which means they cannot survive without their families. It is Correct article usage
apply
family
that gives Correct article usage
a family
children
support on money.
Furthermore
, children’s
families of origin influence
their mental health
. Children
stays
with their family members for the longest time than others during their childhood. Henceforth, kids are always taught lessons by Change the verb form
stay
parents
. Also
, parents
might exert a subtle influence
on children’s
behaviour patterns. Consequently
, people often say that kid
is a mirror of Correct article usage
a kid
parents
. Correct pronoun usage
their parents
Parents
’ good or bad habits will all taken by children
. There are many examples that children’s
mental harms
by their Fix the agreement mistake
harm
family
.
Fix the agreement mistake
families
According to
the reasons above, I disagree with the argument that the influence
from outside the home is more than influence
from home in kids’ life.Correct article usage
the influence
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coherence cohesion
Your essay presents an understandable argument but lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. Consider structuring your essay with a distinct introduction stating your main argument, followed by body paragraphs supporting your points, and a concise conclusion summarizing your stance.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, try to organize your ideas more logically and create clearer connections between them. Use a variety of linking words to better connect your paragraphs and sentences, making your argument more coherent.
task achievement
While you have attempted to respond to the task, the response could be more comprehensive. Be sure to fully answer all parts of the prompt, and clarify your main ideas with specific examples and explanations to support your argument.
task achievement
Incorporate relevant, specific examples to strengthen your argument. Examples are a powerful way to illustrate your points and make your argument more convincing. Ensure these examples are clearly linked to your main ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example