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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

'Telecommuting' refers to workers doing their jobs from home for part of each week and communicating with their office using computer technology. How do you think society will be affected by the growth of telecommuting?

#workers #jobs #home #part #week #office #computer #technology #society #growth
In
this
 current area, technology has been developing which are
workers
 possibly working from their
home
.
Although
 there will undoubtedly be some positive consequences of
this
 trend, I believe that there are more negative effects. On the one hand, developing technology offers several advantages.
Firstly
,
workers
 do not need to go to the
office
 and they can avoid congestion
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
. From
this
,
workers
 can save their
time
 to do tasks with the extra
time
.
Additionally
, people do not have to move their domicile near their
office
due to
 the fact that they can
work
while
 in their village. Because of
this
, it helps big cities to reduce their overcrowding problems.
On the other hand
, there are compelling reasons why employers
work
Wrong verb form
working
show examples
 from
home
 may give more disadvantages in the long run. One notable disadvantage is no border in their personal life and
office
, particularly in terms of
time
 spent. In their
home
, they can not focus on doing working tasks because the environment of the house is different from the
office
.
For example
,
workers
 are still available to
work
 in their
bed
Fix the agreement mistake
beds
show examples
, and it makes them more sleepy to do their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
.
In addition
, if a worker has a family, they need to take care of the children and
also
 do some house chores. They
also
 do not have
me
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
time
 because of the
lacking
Replace the word
lack of
show examples
barrier
Fix the agreement mistake
barriers
show examples
 that they have. In the end, they cannot perform well because they do not have a barrier between professional
work
 and individual life. In conclusion, it seems to me that the disadvantages of working from
home
 have many disadvantages rather than advantages. By working from
home
 they do not have a barrier between working and living.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Task Response
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Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, work on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs and ideas. Utilizing a variety of linking words and phrases can help achieve a more seamless flow of information.
Task Response
Ensure that your essay has a clear position throughout, and maintain this perspective consistently from introduction to conclusion. This will strengthen your argument and make your stance clearer to the reader.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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