IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices is harmful to individuals and to the society they live in. To what extent do you agree and disagree?

#availability #entertainment #video #games #devices #individuals #society
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In
this
 digitalized era many people and children tend to use modern gadgets for
entertainment
 purposes. It is widely believed that usage of these devices for video games, accessing social media, and watching movies have detrimental impacts than metis to humans and
to
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apply
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the
Correct article usage
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society. I completely agree with
this
 statement as there are health issues,
limited
Correct word choice
and limited
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 social interactions
as a result
 of over usage screens even though there are some advantages
such
 as cheap and easily accessible
entertainment
 for everyone.
This
 essay will discuss the merits and issues of modern devices and provide my own opinion. On one hand, more and more individuals started using portable electronic devices for video games, accessing social media, watching movies etc.
This
 would lead to screen addiction and sedentary behaviour. As
such
 people tend to have limited social interaction with the outside world.
Long-term
Correct article usage
The long-term
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 impacts of
this
 addiction would lead to isolation and depression.
For example
, as per the World Health Organization data, people with communication issues and depression
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 increased by over 20% during the
last
 decade.
This
 habit
also
 impacts
the
Correct article usage
apply
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health conditions
such
 as non-communicable diseases and attention deficiency disorder.
On the other hand
, the cost which was incurred on
entertainment
 has reduced significantly over the past few decades. Anyone with a handheld device and internet connection would be able to play a sophisticated video game from any corner
in
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of
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 the world. Latest applications
such
 as Netflix would allow anyone to watch the latest movies or dramas
any
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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with
tab
Add an article
a tab
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 or a smartphone.
Overall
, in my opinion,
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
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 of using a gadget for
entertainment
 for an extended period of time outweigh the merits of it. It would be advisable for everyone to limit the time spent in from of a screen to a healthy level
while
 enjoying the cheap and easily accessible
entertainment
.
Submitted by sajee_5 on

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introduction
Always ensure that your essay begins with a clear introduction that paraphrases the question and outlines the main points you will discuss. Your essay did well in this aspect, but aim for a more engaging introduction.
body content
In your body paragraphs, ensure you differentiate your points clearly and provide detailed examples to support each point. You could enhance your essay by incorporating more specific examples and statistics that directly support your arguments.
conclusion
Conclude your essay by summarizing the main points discussed and stating your opinion clearly. Your conclusion was good, but it could be improved by reinforcing your stance with a strong, decisive statement reflecting your opinion.
coherence cohesion
Enhance coherence by logically organizing your essay and using cohesive devices effectively. Try to use a wider range of linking words and phrases to show the relationships between your ideas more clearly.
task achievement
To achieve a higher score in task achievement, ensure that your essay comprehensively addresses all parts of the task, including a clear opinion and detailed discussion of both sides of the argument. Incorporating more relevant examples and evidence will strengthen your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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