IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people’s behavior. What is your opinion?

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Some individuals think that
video
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games
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 and some TV programs that involve
violence
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 have a negative effect on
society
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. Another part of the community believes that those
kinds
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 of virtual entertainment do not have an enormous effect on the way that
people
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 behave. In my opinion, I agree that
violence
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 in TV shows and
video
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games
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 harms
society
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 because they isolate young
people
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 from being in a social environment and, I
also
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 think that some of
this
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 kind of violent entertainment could be addictive . Nowadays, a huge percentage of young
people
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 are involved in playing
video
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games
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.
Firstly
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, a lot of juveniles spend most of their free time playing
video
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games
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 that involve
violence
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 or that require them to kill others as a final reward to get to the final .
Consequently
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,
this
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 kind of entertainment leads to youngest to develop aggressive and competitive behavior.
In addition
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, some of them isolate themselves from their daily social environment just to spend more time playing these
kinds
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 of
games
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.
For instance
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 , recent research in EEUU has shown that since COVID-19 the curve of the sail
o f
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of
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 fighting
video
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games
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 like, 4Fight has increased by 75%.
Furthermore
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, continuing with the idea of
video
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games
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, they could be addictive for
society
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. Part of some
people
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 who play these
kinds
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 of
games
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 could develop an irrational sense of addiction to spending a lot of hours in front of the computer
due to
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 the competitive conditions that push the competitor or juveniles to get to the top number 1 by killing other participants.
For example
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, some psychologists have demonstrated that
video
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games
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 release the same amount of hormones like oxytocin, and serotonin in our brains as cocaine leading to addiction. In conclusion, despite some parts of
society
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 believing that TV shows or
video
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games
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 that involve
violence
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 have no negative impact on
people
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's
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
, I think that these are not helpful for communities and most importantly,
you ng
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young
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people
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. It is important to spend our free time doing activities that help to improve ourselves more than paying attention to these
kinds
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 of
entertainme
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entertainment

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coherence cohesion
Pay attention to the overall structure of your essay. Ensure your ideas flow logically from one paragraph to the next, using a variety of transition words and phrases to help the reader understand how your ideas connect.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, which is good. Ensure the conclusion succinctly summarizes your opinion and the points made in the essay. Try to make your introduction more engaging to immediately capture the reader's interest.
task achievement
You've provided several reasons and examples, which is beneficial. However, to strengthen your argument, make your main points more evident and try to include more detailed, specific examples or evidence to support your claims.
general
Use a wider range of vocabulary and grammar structures to accurately express your ideas. Avoid repetition of words and phrases. Proofread your essay to correct minor spelling and grammatical mistakes.
task achievement
Consider delving deeper into the opposing viewpoint to strengthen your argument. Acknowledging and refuting counterarguments can make your essay more persuasive and comprehensive.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitize
  • aggressive behavior
  • perceptions
  • correlation
  • individual susceptibility
  • media literacy
  • critical thinking
  • interpret
  • regulating
  • negative effects
  • balance
  • societal measures
  • impact
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