IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In the past, shopping was a routine domestic task. Many people nowadays regard it as a hobby. To what extent do you think this is a positive trend?

#people #hobby #trend
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some time ago shopping was a daily routine task. These days many
people
Use synonyms
 consider it as a
hobby
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 can certainly be beneficial, I express concerns about
this
Linking Words
 new consumption era
people
Use synonyms
 are living
.
Change preposition
in.
show examples
To begin
Linking Words
 with, it is obvious to say that shopping is one of a kind that
people
Use synonyms
 in
this
Linking Words
dayday
Correct your spelling
day day
day-day
 put them as a
hobby
Use synonyms
 compared with the past day many
people
Use synonyms
 feel that shopping is to purchase a necessary thing, but now a day
people
Use synonyms
 have changed
they
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
 routine as shopping in one of most favourite thing that they have to do as they
hobby
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 population growth in the country might have been
change
Change the verb form
changing
changed
show examples
 the behaviour of
people
Use synonyms
. The population in the world are increasing which leads to the fact that shopping is
Use synonyms
hobby
Add an article
a hobby
show examples
 because shopping
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can be beneficial by healing emotions,and it is more enjoyable
In addition
Linking Words
, when you shop you can
also
Linking Words
 interact with
people
Use synonyms
 around being good for social interaction and by consequence better mental health.
However
Linking Words
, we should balance both
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
domestic shopping and shopping as a
hobby
Use synonyms
 by taking advantage of both
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
thinking
Change preposition
of thinking
show examples
, now a day
people
Use synonyms
 are more concerned
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
 being in a trend and fashion, in the past
people
Use synonyms
does
Wrong verb form
did
show examples
 not care much about trending.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 in
this
Linking Words
 era have been concerned
to be
Change preposition
with being
show examples
 accepting of others and
be
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 more materialistic of the products that they
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
purchased. To summarise
this
Linking Words
 topic, even though shopping can be beneficial, the new world order of consumption brings less moral and ethical principles to society.
Although
Linking Words
 we should do everything a range of power is not beyond
your
Correct pronoun usage
our
show examples
 capacity.
This
Linking Words
 will make the next generation pay more attention to what they are doing.
Submitted by fonnfahh2402 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction & Conclusion
Ensure you have a strong introduction and conclusion that clearly presents your overall stance. While you mentioned benefits and concerns of shopping as a hobby, emphasizing these elements in your introduction and conclusion can make your essay more persuasive and cohesive.
Paragraph Structure
To improve coherence, try to structure your paragraphs more clearly. Begin with a topic sentence that states the main idea of the paragraph, followed by supporting details and examples. This structure helps guide the reader through your arguments seamlessly.
Use of Examples
Make your usage of examples more specific and relevant. While you discuss general trends around shopping, incorporating specific examples or statistics can strengthen your arguments and make them more compelling.
Language Use
Be mindful of grammatical accuracy and range of vocabulary. Avoid repetition and strive to use a variety of sentence structures and lexical resources to articulate your ideas more clearly and effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • consumerism
  • retail therapy
  • materialism
  • disposable income
  • economic growth
  • financial instability
  • environmental impact
  • social interaction
  • community building
  • emotional satisfaction
  • advertising influence
  • shopping habits
What to do next:
Look at other essays: