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Band 4

Some people think that sports teach children how to compete. Others feel that children can learn team work. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #sports #children #team #work
It is
Correct pronoun usage
Is
show examples
 maintained
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
that
children
 could learn
competition
 ethics from
sports
,
while
 others think that
sports
 help them improve their
team working
Correct your spelling
teamwork
show examples
 skills. In my opinion, I believe
sports
 will give the opportunity to teach
children
 how to have a fair
competition
. On one hand, challenges
such
 as tournaments will introduce the ethics and rights of
competition
, and I agree.
In other words
,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
having rules for every
competition
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will make sure that the
children
 will learn how to be responsible for their actions and decisions. If,
for example
, during a football
competition
 one of the players cheated, they will be expelled from the game.
Thus
, they won’t only learn that they have to stick to the rules, but
also
 they will learn that there isn’t any bad
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 without
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
consequence and punishment.
On the other hand
, others believe that
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 activities will scale up their teamwork skills. Specifically, in group
sports
 like football or basketball where they need to collaborate with each other to succeed and the game.
In
Change preposition
For
show examples
 instance, a basketball
team
 could put a plan
a head
Correct your spelling
ahead
show examples
how
Change preposition
of how
show examples
 they will play during the game and divide the roles between each other in
way
Add an article
a way
show examples
 that
benefit
Correct subject-verb agreement
benefits
show examples
 the entire
team
.
Thus
,
in addition
 to learning how to work within a
team
, they will learn how to put themselves into each other’s point of view to make sure that will come up with
best
Correct article usage
the best
show examples
 results for all members.
To sum up
,
while
 people may vary in their opinions, I’m confident that
sports
 is one of the best ways to make sure that
children
 know how to compete fairly.
Submitted by s_syedy on

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Task Achievement
To improve your score in task achievement, explicitly address all parts of the task. You discussed both views and gave your opinion, which is great. To enhance this further, ensure you develop each point with more in-depth analysis and detailed examples. This will make your arguments more convincing and comprehensive.
Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, creating a clearer logical structure will greatly benefit your essay. This includes ensuring each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences within that paragraph directly support that idea. Transition words and phrases can help guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Include a conclusion that restates your main points and your opinion in a summarized form. While you offered a conclusion, make it more impactful by clearly reinforcing your stance and summarizing the key reasons behind your opinion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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