IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

With the improvements in today’s health care, society has to care for more and more elderly people. Do you feel that society will be able to cope with the increase in numbers of elderly people today and how can it be managed? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#improvements #today’s #health #care #society #people #numbers
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
We can say that the Indian healthcare system needs more and more doctors. India is now a country where 30
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of the population is above the age of 35 years.
Thus
, the country requires better hospitals, more doctors, and better infrastructure in the
health
 domain.
To begin
 with, As we can see, the doctor-to-patient ratio in India has a significant gap, and it is increasing. Countries like Japan are currently facing the problem of having more old age people.
Thus
, having improved
health
 care is a must.
For example
, During the COVID-19
pandemic
Add a comma
pandemic,
show examples
 India faced issues
such
 as a lack of oxygen,
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
show examples
 medical representatives per patient,
hospitals
Correct word choice
and hospitals
show examples
 full of patients which resulted in
casualities
Correct your spelling
casualties
.
On the other hand
, the government and society are spreading awareness, so we take preventative measures to avoid the need for medical services. More and more hospitals are being built to comply with the needs of the elderly in their later part of life. In my view, society is always lacking in healthcare development.
This
 can be improved if more budget is allocated to human well-being. In Conclusion, taking care of one's
health
 is an individual's responsibility. Apparently, the government and the people are responsible for improvements in the
overall
health
 and fitness ecosystem.
Submitted by avesh1409 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Make sure your essay directly addresses the prompt. Your response seemed to diverge from the specific issue of coping with an aging population and instead focused on healthcare improvements needed generally. Addressing the question directly will help improve your task achievement score.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices (e.g., moreover, consequently, however) and paragraphing effectively to structure your response. This will help enhance the logical flow of ideas and increase your coherence and cohesion score.
Task Achievement
Provide specific examples that directly support your viewpoints on how society can cope with an increase in elderly people. Your examples should be closely tied to the question and illustrate your points clearly. This will make your argument more compelling and relevant.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: