IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, the government prioritizes economic growth above all other concerns. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages and give your own opinion.

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The growth of
economy
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the economy
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 has been prioritized
above all
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 other issues in many countries. The advantages of
this
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 include its positive impact on individual’s well-being and
this
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 enables citizens to focus on other aspects of their life.
Although
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 the improvement in the quality of
education
Use synonyms
 systems might be neglected, in my opinion, poverty is the most critical
crises
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crisis
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 that needs to be dealt with. The consequence of economic development is a rise in the flow of money in the country.
As a result
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, people’s income will be higher and
this
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 benefits their financial management.
Moreover
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, since people have no concern over money that
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 to cover their basic expenses, they will have more opportunities to manage other factors in life
such
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 as building
a
Correct article usage
apply
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strong
relationship
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relationships
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 within families.
For instance
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, recently in Bangkok, there was a crime involving a boy who was charged with murder. One of the reasons was his parents had not been able to devote enough time to pay proper attention to him, as they worked extensive hours to make ends meet.
However
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, economic growth is a time-consuming process and needs a large amount of
fund
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funds
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, so other problems might not be addressed adequately. Especially, issues that are related to children’s learning
such
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 as providing high-quality public learning resources and ensuring low-income students can access
to
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apply
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a greater
education
Use synonyms
.
For example
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, many poor communities still have a shortage of public libraries and low-income children can hardly receive opportunities to pursue
further
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education
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 in colleges. In conclusion, prioritizing economic growth has positive effects on the
rising
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rise
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 in
individual’s
Correct article usage
an individual’s
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 income.
While
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 other sectors
such
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 as
education
Use synonyms
 problems might not gain adequate attention.
Nonetheless
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, in my opinion, having enough money to sustain life is more critical than other concerns.

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task response
Try to formulate a clearer thesis statement in your introduction. This will help set a more defined framework for your discussion on the topic and make your overall argument more compelling.
task response
While you provided relevant examples, try to expand on how these examples specifically support your argument. This could involve discussing the broader implications or offering insights into why these examples are significant in the context of your argument.
task response
Ensure a balanced discussion of both advantages and disadvantages by devoting equal time and depth of analysis to each. This balance is crucial for a well-rounded argument and a higher task achievement score.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs. Use transitional phrases to help guide the reader through your argument, enhancing the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Try to achieve a more varied sentence structure to maintain reader interest and reinforce the cohesiveness of your essay. This could mean varying the length and complexity of sentences throughout.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • prioritizes
  • economic growth
  • employment opportunities
  • public services
  • tax revenues
  • infrastructure development
  • environmental degradation
  • industrial expansion
  • income inequality
  • wealth accrues
  • neglect
  • social issues
  • metrics
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