IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

as the world becomes technologically advanced, computers are replacing more and more jobs. Describe some job positions that may be lost because of computers, and disciss at least one problem that may result

#world #computers #jobs #job #positions #disciss
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Technological advancements have changed the lives of
people
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 in various ways directly and indirectly.
Therefore
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,
people
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 believe that some
jobs
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 might get lost in the near future.
This
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 essay will discuss the possible
jobs
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 that might not exist in future
along with
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 the problems it will create. On one side,
computers
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 are slowly replacing
jobs
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such
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 as ticket sellers and cashiers. Most of the subway, underground stations and aeroplane tickets are being sold online. Continuation of
this
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 process will eventually result in the closer of ticket sellers.
For example
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, In metro Vancouver, The sky train tickets are sold with the help of machines and mostly without human intervention. Another job
that is
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 at risk is the job of a cashier, In grocery stores like Walmart, a large number of cashiers have been replaced by self-checkout machines.
Thus
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, these kinds of
jobs
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 are more likely to be replaced by
computers
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. The most concerning problem that
computers
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 can cause by replacing humans at work is unemployment dependency.
Computers
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 working
instead
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 of humans will cause unemployment in the labour market, resulting in financial distress among
people
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.
For example
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, most of the warehouse workers are replaced by machines and
computers
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 in Amazon
this
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 year.
Moreover
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,
people
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 are becoming more dependent on
computers
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 for small tasks
such
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 as calculations. Most of the
people
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 cannot even do simple calculations without the help of
computers
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.
For example
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, nowadays, most
people
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 find it very difficult to calculate without taking help from
computers
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. In conclusion, there is no doubt that the
jobs
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 that require manpower are gradually being lost to the use of
computers
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 leading to unemployment
Submitted by sandhuarsh1320 on

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task achievement
Be clear and concise in your introduction, directly addressing the essay topic. Incorporating a thesis statement that outlines your main points can make your stance stronger.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider variety of transitional words and phrases to link your ideas more smoothly. This improves the flow of your essay and aids the reader in understanding the connection between points.
task achievement
Try to develop your examples further. While the examples you provide are relevant, elaborating on them can add depth to your argument, making it more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
In conclusion, reiterate your main points succinctly and ensure you've clearly answered all aspects of the question to strengthen the effectiveness of your conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • technologically advanced
  • automated machinery
  • computer controlled robots
  • online banking
  • automated teller machines (ATMs)
  • self-service checkouts
  • autonomous vehicles
  • economic stability
  • unemployment rates
  • skill gap
  • specialized training
  • manual labor
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