IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Gender imbalance in some occupations is evident. To what extent do you think that it is acceptable?

#gender #imbalance #occupations
In light of emphasizing effectiveness and efficiency in work, it is apparent that the proportion of
gender
 in certain
domain
Fix the agreement mistake
domains
show examples
,
such
 as early childhood education, marketing and firemen, is distinct. In my opinion,
this
 phenomenon is appropriate and acceptable
although
 may cause some controversies on
gender
 discrimination. It is ubiquitous knowledge that one of the best ways to maximize one’s talent
Change preposition
in
show examples
on
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in
show examples
 their
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job
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jobs
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job
show examples
 is to take advantage
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of
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from
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of
show examples
 their natural personality on
gender
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genders
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such
 as emotional sensitivity or sympathy
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for
show examples
on
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for
show examples
Fix the agreement mistake
females
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female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
, and strength in power or quick decision making in
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
. Take early childhood education
for example
,
this
 job demands both professional knowledge
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 education and adequate patience and love
on
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for
show examples
 children, which
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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of value
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valued
show examples
 natural qualities
on
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for
show examples
female
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females
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.
As a consequence
, it is easier for
female
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females
show examples
 to be successful
on
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in
show examples
this
 field than
male
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males
show examples
. Another benefit comes from different
responsibility
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responsibilities
show examples
 depending on
gender
.
As
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For
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 a female, maternity is inevitable, which
is mean
Wrong verb form
means
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 at least 3 months
maternity
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of maternity
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 leave should be given and leaving their position
on
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for
show examples
such
long
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
 time is not good for the employer.
As a result
,
on
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in
show examples
 certain essential and highly
pressure
Wrong verb form
pressured
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 positions,
such
 as business leaders and CEO that affect the development of
company
Correct article usage
the company
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 directly, the employer would like to choose
male
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males
show examples
 to take those roles.
This
 imbalance in occupations should be treated with kindness toward
female
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females
show examples
.
On the other hand
, those who have big ambitions
on
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for
show examples
 career or special qualifies argue that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
job
opportunity
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opportunities
show examples
 should be decided by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
capability
instead
 of
gender
 and
this
gender
 discrimination is unacceptable. There is no doubt that fair competition contributes to not only the
health
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healthy
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 development of
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
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 but
also
 the harmony of society.
Overall
,
gender
 determines the suitable jobs
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 some extent, and we should comply with
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 natural rules.
But
Correct word choice
However
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 the exception should be considered in some cases.
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task achievement
Ensure your introduction clearly states your opinion on the extent to which gender imbalance in occupations is acceptable. A clear thesis statement helps orient the reader.
task achievement
Expand your examples by incorporating more specific details or statistics to strengthen your arguments. Specific examples make your points more convincing and comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
To improve cohesion, consider using a wider variety of linking words and phrases to better connect ideas. This effort will enhance the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Consider balancing your arguments by discussing opposing viewpoints more in-depth before stating your conclusion. This adds depth to your essay and showcases your ability to evaluate different perspectives.
coherence cohesion
In your conclusion, aim to more explicitly restate your position and summarize the main points of your argument. This reaffirms your stance and provides a clear closure to the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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