IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and

#consequences #care #people #life #expectancy #outweigh
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It has been observed that in
modern
Add an article
the modern
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 era
due to
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 the
further
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advancing
Replace the word
advancement
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 and
improve
Replace the word
improvement
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 of medical care
people
Use synonyms
 are living much
more
Change the word
apply
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longer
as well
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as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
lifeline
Fix the agreement mistake
lifelines
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 of
people
Use synonyms
 have
also
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 increased.If questioned , I think the benefits outweigh the drawbacks as there are several pros
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
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 to
cons
Correct article usage
the cons
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. My position is
further
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 elaborated in the upcoming paragraphs with appropriate examples and valid reasons. Discussing the benefits the first and foremost
arguement
Correct your spelling
argument
 is that , if folks get to live more
then
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 they can support their family more and provide money for the next generation. As they will work for numerous years as they don't have any
life threating
Add a hyphen
life-threating
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 disease. In
this
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way
Add a comma
way,
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 a majority of
people
Use synonyms
 will do work and that can help to develop a nation as there are more number of folks working. There's, ultimately public can
also
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 contribute to one's country by making it more and more
advance
Correct word choice
advanced
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 if they live longer .
However
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, a lot of
people
Use synonyms
 believe that there are
also
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 some disadvantages related to it .
To begin
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 with , if
people
Use synonyms
 are becoming fit and fine
due to
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 medical care
then
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 there would be
increase
Add an article
an increase
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 in population and the natural resources and ecosystem can be damaged.
For example
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,
according to
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 a survey
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
deforestation has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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increased in the
last
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 5 years by 20% . So , it is dangerous to wildlife
as well as
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 to humans
Rephrase
apply
show examples
also
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.
To sum up
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, despite having few
dismerits
Correct your spelling
demerits
 there are
lot
Change the article
a lot
show examples
 of merits of
this
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 statement. So I fully believe that there are more advantages than disadvantages like supporting the family and helping the nation of
this
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 viewpoint.
Submitted by akshayashvi07 on

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structure
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Introduce your main points in your introduction, develop them in your body paragraphs, and then summarize them in your conclusion.
coherence
Provide clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through your argument. This will improve logical flow and readability.
cohesion
Use a wider variety of linking words and phrases to better connect your ideas and paragraphs. This will enhance the cohesion of your essay.
task response
To fully address the task, make sure to discuss both the advantages and disadvantages in equal measure. Also, directly answer the question of whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages in your conclusion.
supporting examples
To strengthen your argument, include more detailed and specific examples. Examples help to illustrate your points and make your argument more convincing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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