IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The use of mobile phone is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phone should be banned like smoking. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#phone #places
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Nowadays, many
people
 argue, that smartphones should be banned in public places, the same way as smoking. I completely disagree with
this
 statement. In the first instance, the usage of phones and smoking have a few differences. When someone burns a cigarette it affects not only their lungs
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 but
also
 causes
the
Correct article usage
apply
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damage to
people
 who surround them. In comparison, the
devises
Replace the word
devices
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 don'
t
 have
such
powerful
Correct article usage
a powerful
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 effect,
due to
 they don'
t
 contain harmful chemicals, as a cigarette does. It known for
long
Change the article
a long
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 time, that smoking is
main
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the main
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 reason that causes cancer, but a lot of folks can'
t
 refuse
from
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apply
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it, because of dependence, which they produced over the years. Indeed, older
people
 blame phones for all the problems.
However
, young adults can manage their screen time, what we can'
t
be said
Wrong verb form
say
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 about
the
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apply
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elderly smokers
whom
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 can'
t
 stay
from
Rephrase
away from
show examples
 tobacco, simply because of nicotine addiction. That being said, the smartphones have much more advantages than disadvantages.
Firstly
, you have an endless way to
connection
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connect
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 with your loved ones, even if there is a long distance
between
Correct pronoun usage
between them
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.
Secondly
, the Internet opens us
a
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to a
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whole world of opportunities and technology. In
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the modern
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modern
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the modern
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 world, a lot of
people
 work through
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apply
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the
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apply
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handy devices.
Besides
, phones help us
in reading
Wrong verb form
read
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 books,
attending
Wrong verb form
attend
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 lectures and meetings,
listening
Wrong verb form
listen
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 to
favourite
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our favourite
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 groups and
entertaining
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entertain
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.
For instance
, language learning is not limited anymore. You literally can have a lesson anytime and anywhere,
due to
 modern developments and mobility. Teachers can be found on different platforms and teach you any desirable language. In the end, I will say that
the
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apply
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smartphones can'
t
 be cancelled as smoking,
due to
 two main factors: the advantages of devices and
obvious
Correct article usage
the obvious
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 and enormous harm of nicotine.
Submitted by sofiaavramenko0906 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure your introduction clearly outlines your stance on the topic and briefly mentions the points you will discuss. This will provide a roadmap for your argument and improve the logical structuring of your essay.
coherence cohesion
To enhance the coherence of your essay, use a range of cohesive devices effectively. This includes transition words like "However," "Firstly," and "Secondly," but also consider more varied expressions to enhance readability.
task achievement
Your task achievement is good as you clearly express your disagreement with the statement and back your opinion with arguments. To further improve, make sure every paragraph contributes directly to defending your stance, avoiding information that could be seen as tangential or less directly related.
task achievement
Including specific examples to back your arguments strengthens your essay. While you've done this to an extent, providing more detailed scenarios or citing research could make your argumentation even more persuasive.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • antisocial
  • social interactions
  • negative impacts
  • banning
  • regulated
  • completely banned
  • education
  • awareness campaigns
  • responsible
  • mobile phone use
What to do next:
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