IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that governments should do more to make their citizens eat a healthy diet. Others believe that individuals must take responsibility for their own diet and health. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #governments #citizens #diet #individuals #responsibility #health
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People
 have different views about whether the authorities should take
further
 actions to persuade their individuals to have healthier diets or whether
people
 should be in charge of their own
diet
 and health.
While
 some believe citizens should take responsibility for
this
 issue, I consider that
governments
 need to conduct more activities. On the one hand, it is generally acknowledged that
people
 should be careful about their health and try to have a proper
diet
.
People
's tastes and attitudes are different from each other,
that is
 why every individual should watch out for his own
diet
 carefully.
In addition
, it is self-evident that
governments
 are not able to control every single individual to have a healthy lifestyle. So it is rational that each person tries to check what is beneficial for his own health and what is not.
For instance
, the ones who suffer from chronic diseases need to have special meals in order not to worsen their sickness.
On the other hand
, it is advisable that
governments
 must prepare some adverts about healthy
diet
 and try to make it a
people
's culture. The more advertisements are produced about having a healthy food diversity, the more
people
 will be aware of unhealthy aspects of their
diet
.
Moreover
, changing lifestyle is a huge plan which is a long-term program and needs everybody's special attention. Every humble step could be helpful in
this
 regard. A point of view is some TV adverts about the fast food drawbacks which encourage
people
 to cut down on these kinds of meals. In conclusion,
although
 several
people
 agree that
people
 must be careful about their own
diet
, I am of the opinion that both individuals and
governments
 should take additional actions to reduce the amount of unhealthy food in citizens' diets.
Submitted by keyhan454 on

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Task Response
To improve Task Response, ensure to fully develop your opinion throughout the essay, not just in the conclusion. Integrate your stance in the discussion of both views more explicitly, providing stronger arguments for why you believe in the necessity of government intervention alongside individual responsibility.
Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance Coherence and Cohesion, aim for smoother transitions between paragraphs and within them. Phrases such as 'On the one hand,' and 'On the other hand,' structure your argument well, but vary your transitional language for a more sophisticated flow. Additionally, cohesive devices could be more varied to link ideas more naturally.
Task Response
To further improve the essay, include more relevant examples to support your points. Specific examples strengthen your arguments by providing concrete evidence. Consider incorporating real-life initiatives by governments to promote healthy diets, or statistics that highlight the impact of government-led health campaigns.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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