IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Write a letter to a financial organization that gives money to students who would like to take part-time course. Mention - Qualification and work experience -Details abut the course -How this course will help you

#organization #money #students #course #qualification #work #-details #abut #-how
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Dear Sir, I am writing
this
 letter to ask you about the money that I am planning to borrow from your organisation to continue my part-time
course
 in hospitality. I have met the requirements of
this
 particular study in regard to qualifications and experience.
Moreover
,
this
 is not a full-time program and, it lasts only for 4 months. As
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 I am working in a food court, it would be easy for me to pursue
this
course
 because I have to attend classes once a week only and, most of the
course
 stuff would be online
such
 as daily tasks and assignments.
Last
 but not least, I would like to explain the benefits that I am going to get after the completion of the
course
.
First,
it would provide me with a chance to work with big hotels to explore and learn new techniques and, skills. I am looking forward to getting your response and, thank you for giving me your precious time. Yours faithfully, Talwinder Singh.
Submitted by sandhuarsh1320 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central theme or message. While your letter mostly adheres to this, a more detailed separation of ideas could further enhance clarity and impact.
coherence cohesion
In terms of coherence, linking words and transitions can be used more effectively to guide the reader through your letter seamlessly. Consider enhancing connections between paragraphs and sentences to reinforce the flow of your narrative.
task achievement
Your response directly addresses the prompts given, which is excellent. To further improve, consider adding more detailed examples of how the course aligns with your career goals or prior experiences for a more compelling argument.
task achievement
Maintain the formal tone consistent throughout the letter. Although your letter generally adheres to this, watch for informal phrases or colloquial language that might slip in. A professional tone supports your appeal more strongly.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • academic background
  • relevant work experience
  • commitment
  • field of study
  • part-time course
  • institution
  • duration
  • career goals
  • acquire new skills
  • enhance knowledge
  • financial assistance
  • pursue
  • summarizing
  • reiterating
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