IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that professional work like doctor and teacher great contribution to the society should be paid more than those people in the field of sports and entertainment. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#people #work #doctor #teacher #contribution #society #field #sports #entertainment
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In our ordinary world society divides the community into groups, teachers and doctors
have
Verb problem
make
show examples
 a great contribution and can attain their goals through their work and have a high level of wage,
however
, the people in sports and creativity should gain less. I totally disagree with
this
 statement. On the one hand, our society can measure the class of people by their
wages
,
this
 method has a common influence in our rapid life. Teachers,doctors,scientists and representatives of common occupations should gain more than the others,
this
 rule can be visible from century to century.
Furthermore
, when families start to speak about the future department of their child,they prefer to choose a more technical and practical department than humanities,but when their child supports another side and wants to learn more creative works,
this
 can lead to conflicts and disagreements. Without question in
this
 case the main role plays is the
wages
 and skills that they can achieve in the study process. On another hand, entertainment has provided sportsmen and new talents with an opportunity to gain
worse
Correct word choice
apply
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less experience and knowledge and
also
 givethem
achance
Correct your spelling
a chance
chance
 to attain high
wages
.
For instance
, social media helps people to prove their skills and provide them with entertainment.
This
 method of work was helped In 2020 the world was in lockdown and recently society understood that entertainment has a great way to earn a good salary and promote themselves by using social media applications.
Overall
, in my point of view some social workers like
surgeries
Correct your spelling
surgeons
show examples
,
dentists
Correct word choice
and dentists
show examples
 are gaining high
wages
 and underserved high
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of paid severely.
Submitted by batirka06 on

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Introduction and Conclusion
Ensure your essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion. This helps frame your argument and makes your stance on the topic clear to the reader.
Logical Structure
Develop a more structured logical flow between paragraphs. Each paragraph should ideally present a distinct idea or argument related to the topic.
Supported Main Points
Support your main points with clear, relevant examples or evidence. This strengthens your argument and makes your essay more persuasive.
Complete Response
Work on fully addressing the task by providing a balanced view on the topic if required, and by stating your position clearly throughout the essay.
Clear, Comprehensive Ideas
Clarify and elaborate on your ideas to ensure they are comprehensive and easily understood. Avoid overly complex sentences that may confuse the reader.
Relevant, Specific Examples
Where possible, include specific examples that directly support your arguments about the value of professional work versus those in sports and entertainment.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • indispensable
  • justified
  • revenue generation
  • critical contribution
  • balanced reward system
  • market dynamics
  • job satisfaction
  • talented individuals
  • public interest
  • well-being
  • development
  • mental health
  • happiness
  • attract
  • advocating
  • overpaid
  • equally important
  • ensuring
  • reflects
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