IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Part 2 In many countries, traditional foods are being replaced by fast food. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#part #countries #foods #food
In recent years, fast foods have widely spread throughout the world.
The
Correct article usage
A
show examples
 number of
people
 are more interested in fast
food
 than their traditional
food
.
While
 it is believed that, fast foods are detrimental
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 health. I partially agree with
this
 statement, since there are
majority
Add an article
the majority
a majority
show examples
 of drawbacks,
although
 some benefits still need to be considered.
To begin
with
Add a comma
with,
show examples
 positives, having a bunch of foodstuff stores might simplify and save us time to eat. There is no doubt that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 preparing meal was become a complex activity. Fast
food
, which can be served without taking much effort to finish, could
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
become one of the solutions.
Furthermore
, choosing fast
food
instead
 of traditional
food
 will save time, both serving and consuming. Junk
food
such
 as burgers or fried chicken is designed to be eaten easily,
hence
 will helpfully save hours.
On the other hand
, fast
food
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
people
's obesity.
This
 is because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 these ingredients contain
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 content of fats and carbohydrates in them.
Moreover
,
such
 consumed stuff is often found to be the cause of serious health
disease
Change the noun form
diseases
show examples
 like heart attack and obesity. To illustrate,
this
 could be observed that the
people
 who eat those old diets suffer less obesity in comparison to the
middle aged
Add a hyphen
middle-aged
show examples
 humans, who prefer fast foods. Another negative side of fast
food
 is that, these items are expensive enough so, spending a lot on these might disturb the family budget, and
this
 might cause unable to save enough money for other things.
To conclude
, fast
food
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 benefits to some extent,
such
 as efficiency in time usage,
however
, too much reliance on fast
food
emerge
Verb problem
results in
show examples
 numerous drawbacks: health issues and family
budget
Fix the agreement mistake
budgets
show examples
. (279 words)
Submitted by g4832525 on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a balanced view on the topic, which is good. However, it could be enhanced by offering more detailed examples and deeper analysis to strengthen your arguments. This would also help with task completion.
coherence cohesion
Consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will boost your score in coherence and cohesion.
both
Make sure that each body paragraph focuses on a single main idea, and support that idea with specific details or examples. This will help with both task achievement and coherence and cohesion.
grammar
Pay attention to occasional grammatical errors and work on improving your grammatical range and accuracy for a better score.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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