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Band 5.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
In recent years, there has been a considerable rise in the number of offspring using
smartphones
, which is the consequence of the wrong parenting method.
This
 is an extremely harmful development and can cause many problems for offspring when they get older. It is crucial to understand that the main reason for offspring's smartphone addiction comes from
parents
. There is no doubt that offspring are energetic and noisily exploring the world around them;
therefore
, disturbing
parents
' time is common. Because of that,
parents
 tend to give their offspring
smartphones
 to play with in order to keep them quiet and not cause headaches.
As a result
,
this
 becomes a bad habit and leads to offspring's smartphone addiction. Being addicted to
smartphones
 at a young age is
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 root of future problems relating to health.
Due to
 the fact that the majority of the day is spent using
smartphones
, offspring will not have enough time for physical exercises. Because
smartphones
 are addictive, offspring will prefer spending a day using them
instead
 of going out for exercise. Over time, there will be a significant drop in terms of their health rate, causing numerous diseases.
For example
, presently, there is a climb in the number of offspring diagnosed with cardiovascular diseases and obesity. In conclusion, using
smartphones
 among offspring is the fault of the
parents
 for using the wrong parental techniques. Correspondingly, a main cause of health problems in offspring's later life.
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Coherence & Cohesion
You have formed a clear argument and presented it in a logically structured way. To elevate your score, try to enhance the flow of your essay by using a wider range of linking words and phrases that will make transitions between ideas smoother and more cohesive.
Task Achievement
You've responded to the given task adequately by explaining why children spend a lot of time on smartphones and arguing that it is a negative development. However, to achieve a higher score, consider expanding your discussion by offering a more balanced view that considers potential positive aspects as well, even if your argument ultimately leans towards negative impacts. This will make your essay more comprehensive.
Task Achievement
To improve your essay, include more specific examples and data to support your arguments. While you've mentioned general outcomes like cardiovascular diseases and obesity, incorporating specific studies, surveys, or statistics can significantly strengthen your argument and increase your score in 'Relevant & Specific Examples'.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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