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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The bar chart beow shows the percentage of Australian men and women in diffrent age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010,

The bar chart beow shows the percentage of Australian men and women in diffrent age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010,
#bar #beow #percentage #australian #men #women #diffrent #age #groups #activity
The provided bar graph depicts the percentage of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 in Australia of disparate
age
 groups who were
invovled
Correct your spelling
involved
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
regular physical activity in the year 2010. The graph shows that the
women
 are actively involved in recreational activities. It
gives
Verb problem
shows
show examples
 that the male members are healthier than the female. The girls between the
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
15
Change preposition
of 15
show examples
-24 do less
workut
Correct your spelling
workout
work
 than the
boysbetween
Correct your spelling
boys between
 the
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
15
Change preposition
of 15
show examples
-24 .
However
,
women
 do
active
Correct quantifier usage
more active
show examples
 physical activity than
men
 in adults. In 2010, the percentage of
women
 working out has been
raising
Correct your spelling
rising
show examples
 in
related
Replace the word
relation
show examples
 to
men
. The boys between the
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 15-24 had regular physical activity about 52%
whereas
 girls had only 47%.
However
, the adults between the
age
 of 24- 34
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 quite opposite to the previous one. The
men
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 not actively involved in the entertainment but the
women
is
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 active about 48%.
Furthermore
, the
men
 and
women
 between the
age
 of 35-64, the
men
 had
less
Correct article usage
a less
show examples
 active life than
women
 where the female members are active
about
Change preposition
in about
show examples
 50% of all the
age
 groups.
Moreover
, the old males and females had equal
sedentry
Correct your spelling
sedentary
 lives in the older years like 64 and above.
Submitted by thilagaraj7007 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words age, women, men with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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