There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In recent years, parents have more concentrated on their children's
education
than the previous years. So , some of them think that non-academic subjects
are no longer useful for student's
Fix the agreement mistake
students'
education
as well as
should be removed such
as physical education
and cookery. However
, on this
point, I would disagree with the statement. In this
essay, I will take some examples of why we should keep that
classes and try to draw some conclusions.
Let's start by looking at academic lessons, including maths, science and society. These Correct determiner usage
those
subjects
are one of the big roles of our future
life. These subjects
contribute big efforts for the country's every aspect of corners such
as Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics. However
, students
are too pressured by their lessons and parents which can affect their health and well-being. They sit over 5 or 6 hours studying without any breaks or exercises which can cause mental, physical and emotional problems. A recent survey found that there is a productive way of studying, which is studying and exercising, moving our muscles every day. While
students
are studying, they should do exercise or take a break and it releases energy to focus on or complete their next tasks.
Academic subjects
are important while
life skills are essential too. One day students
will become husbands or wives in their lifetime. it is an unwritten natural law so that
it is critical that they Correct word choice
apply
should
take cookery classes to prepare for their Verb problem
apply
future
lives. In addition
to this
, if these subjects
are removed, there is a high chance of facing unemployment in the future
. For example
, students
discover their hobbies or interests when they are young, if these subjects
are eliminated what if a student wants to become a cook or physical education
teacher? so we can not do that.
In conclusion, I strongly agree that we should maintain these cookery and physical education
classes for our future
. if it removed
from the school syllabus children can die early because of their lack of exercise.Add a missing verb
is removed
Submitted by buyabuya201 on
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Task Response
Make sure to directly address the essay question in your introduction. Providing a clear stance in the beginning can enhance clarity.
Coherence & Cohesion
Try to vary your sentence structures more to improve the readability of your essay. This includes using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences.
Task Achievement
To enhance the argument, consider using more detailed examples or citing studies/research that back your points.
Grammar
Pay attention to minor grammar and spelling errors to improve the overall quality of your writing.
Task Achievement
You've done a great job in providing a balanced view by discussing the importance of both academic and non-academic subjects.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion clearly presented your standpoint, contributing to the essay's coherence.
Task Achievement
The use of specific examples, like the discussion about the importance of exercise and life skills, vividly supports your main points.