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Band 2.5

In recent decades, related to speech of the public which is new generations should be better than the precedents in terms of academically, many people believe that non-educational subject should be eliminated from to school curriculum. However, I think it is better to maintain them, and i will illustrate the reasons why I support that extent later in this essay.

#decades #speech #generations #precedents #terms #people #school #curriculum #support
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On the one hand, the removal of non-academic subjects will give
opportunity
Correct article usage
the opportunity
show examples
 for pupils to focus more on intellectual work.
Means
Correct pronoun usage
This means
show examples
 they will have a chance to
input
Verb problem
put
show examples
 more
efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
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 into their academic work, leading to
potential
Add an article
a potential
the potential
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 rise in the number of graduates who
were
Wrong verb form
are
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 expertized in some fields, especially on
scientific
Add an article
the scientific
show examples
 side.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, all the new generations should not do well educationally. Limiting the possibility
to be
Change preposition
of being
show examples
 successful in different
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
show examples
, by eliminating
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
subjects other than academic subjects is a topic that should be considered carefully.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, all the great
sportsman
Fix the agreement mistake
sportsmen
show examples
 would not have been born in the public, if
Use synonyms
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 had restricted
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
physical education back in the
days
Fix the agreement mistake
day
show examples
. To give an example, Ronaldo,
which
Fix the agreement mistake
who
show examples
 is the most famous sportsman in the world
as well as
Linking Words
greatest
Correct article usage
the greatest
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, first started his soccer career in the gym of his
school
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
, we would not have known him, if his
school
Use synonyms
 did not have physical education in their syllabus. In conclusion, because of the fact that every pupil should not succeed
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 only academic fields, I agree with the statement that restricting non-academic
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 from
Use synonyms
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
 syllabus is
inappropriate
Add an article
an inappropriate
the inappropriate
show examples
 decision.
Submitted by buyabuya201 on

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Task Achievement
Your essay addresses the topic question directly and provides a clear opinion which is good for task response. However, your argument would benefit from more development. Expanding on your ideas with more examples or a deeper exploration of the consequences of each viewpoint could enrich your essay and improve your task achievement score.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a recognizable structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is positive for your coherence and cohesion score. However, there are areas that could use improvement. Using a wider range of linking words and making sure your paragraphs flow smoothly into each other will enhance the coherence of your essay. Additionally, ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea supported by examples or explanations.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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