IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Many elderly people no longer looked after by their families but there are put in care home or nursing home. What are the advantages and disadvantages?

#people #families #care #home
Nowadays
edged
Verb problem
apply
show examples
people
 are
taking
Wrong verb form
taken
show examples
 care
by
Change preposition
of by
show examples
 nurses in nursing
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
show examples
instead
 of their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
.
Although
 there are
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of drawbacks involved
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
, the benefits accruing to elder
people
 are by no means negligible. On the plus side, the advantages for the
people
 looked after in care
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
show examples
 are manifold.
To begin
 with, spending
time
 with other elder
people
 allows them to feel less lonely in comparison
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
when
Change preposition
to when
show examples
 they are kept at their working
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 homes. In
another word
Fix the agreement mistake
other words
show examples
, adults often are at work and do not have sufficient
time
 to either talk or allocate to their edged parents. As an example, elder individuals have shared
room
Fix the agreement mistake
rooms
show examples
 in nursing homes and they spend their retirement
time
 with others by talking or playing board games.
However
, the downsides cannot be disregarded. The most axiomatic concern is about losing the feeling of
independency
Replace the word
independence
show examples
 in a senile person.
That is
 to say, because they are always
under watched
Add a hyphen
under-watched
show examples
 by nurses and other staff, they might feel that they have no control
on
Change preposition
over
show examples
 the daily routine and they should ask for everything that
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 required. A good illustration of
this
 is they are not allowed to go out of the home and if they want something they have to demand it from their family or nurses. In conclusion, putting old
people
 in care homes can be both rewarding and problematic.
While
 it might help to reduce their loneliness and free
time
 ,
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
emotion
Fix the agreement mistake
emotions
show examples
 and
independency
Replace the word
independence
show examples
 may be injured.
Submitted by Pbaharlou70 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
You’ve responded to the task by presenting advantages and disadvantages. However, more development and specific examples of your ideas would enhance your essay. For task achievement, aim to thoroughly explore each point with examples and implications. This makes your argument more convincing and comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a noticeable structure, which is good, but your paragraphs could be more logically connected. Use a range of cohesive devices wisely and try to vary your linkers more. This would improve the flow from one idea to another, aiding your reader's understanding.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: