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Band 3

How do changes in population growth and urbanisation relate to the industrial revolution

#changes #population #growth #urbanisation #revolution
Industrial
Correct article usage
The Industrial
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 Revolution
is
Wrong verb form
was
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 the process of change from
traditional
Add an article
a traditional
the traditional
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 economy to one dominated by industry and machine manufacturing. These technological changes introduced novel ways of working and living and fundamentally transformed society.
Industrial
Correct article usage
The industrial
show examples
revolution
Capitalize word
Revolution
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impacts
Wrong verb form
impacted
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 economies whereby mass production and assembly lines replace manual and specialized labourers.
This
 process has historically led to urbanization by creating economic growth and job opportunities that draw
people
 to cities. When there is economic growth, the standard of living of
people
 rises and
this
 attracts
people
 to come and
work
 in cities.
For example
, I live in the City of Mauritius, and we have witnessed
revolution
Add an article
a revolution
show examples
 in the textiles industry where modern equipments are being used.
Thus
,
people
 are tempted to come and
work
 in
this
 industry and they are given
on the job
Add a hyphen
on-the-job
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 training to
work
 with new machines and they
also
 receive an interesting package in terms of salary and other benefits.
For example
, my city has seen a considerable
increased
Replace the word
increase
show examples
 in workers coming to
work
 from different regions as they receive
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
good pay, enjoy a good working environment and it is easier for them to
work
 on machines in order to increase productivity.
However
,
this
 process has led to
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
population growth and
people
 have started to live in the City.
This
 means that there is more pollution, heavy traffic and sewerage problems.
Furthermore
, these industries
dumped
Wrong verb form
dump
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 their waste in rivers causing problems
to
Change preposition
for
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 marine life.
Induatr
Correct your spelling
Industry
Submitted by roshnijuneja19182 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
For increased coherence, ensure your essay has a clear logical structure that includes a defined introduction, detailed body paragraphs, and a summarizing conclusion. Focus on one central idea per paragraph and use transition words to connect ideas smoothly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Introduce your essay with a clear background and a thesis statement defining how you will explore the industrial revolution's impact on population growth and urbanization. Conclude with a summary of your main points. This structure guides the reader through your thoughts.
Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that each paragraph clearly addresses aspects of how the industrial revolution has influenced population growth and urbanization. Expand on your ideas using specific, relevant examples, and analytically discuss their implications.
Task Achievement
For better clarity and comprehensive ideas, elaborate on examples using detailed explanations and evidence. Discuss the broader implications of your examples, such as how urbanization impacts society beyond just economic factors.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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