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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case ? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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Mobile phones are becoming more popular among younger age and some of them spend more screen time than others on a daily basis. The root causes of
this
Linking Words
 situation are
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
easy access to gadgets and lack of parental control.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I believe it can be seen as a negative trend because it leads to bad social development
along with
Linking Words
 academic performance. The advances in technology nowadays contributed to create smartphones being more affordable to everyone. Entry-level phones were created to target early adopters involving young kids with minimum specification yet still useful for basic daily use. Combining
with
Correct pronoun usage
it with
show examples
 a reasonable price means no one can avoid it. It has become worse because the parents lack of
controlling
Replace the word
control
show examples
their
Change preposition
over their
show examples
children
Use synonyms
's use the gadgets.
Due to
Linking Words
 their busy work activities, it leaves their
children
Use synonyms
 to use their mobile phones more than they used to. When their parents realized, that their
children
Use synonyms
 were already dependent on it. Because of
this
Linking Words
, the young generation now becomes attached to smartphones especially to access social media. The vast majority of users of Instagram and TikTok are dominating from
this
Linking Words
 age makes them enjoy online interaction rather than actual socialization which is bad for developing their real social skills. Spending too much of their time surfing online activities, led to a huge distraction in the academic aspect. They lose their focus in class or even score low marks on exams because
too
Change preposition
of too
show examples
 much watching YouTube or playing mobile games until midnight. In conclusion, low-tier smartphone products with
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
decent
prices
Correct the article-noun agreement
price
show examples
 and
absence
Correct article usage
the absence
show examples
 of parental control are the primary reasons for
this
Linking Words
 condition. I,
therefore
Linking Words
, am convinced that it is a bad development because contributes to creating low social skills in
children
Use synonyms
 and underperformance in the school.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task response
To improve task response, ensure you fully address all parts of the prompt. While you've made an effort, delve deeper into reasons and consequences, and offer more nuanced views or solutions where applicable.
coherence
Boost your essay's coherence by making smoother transitions between paragraphs and sentences. Use a variety of linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your argument more seamlessly.
cohesion
Enhance cohesion by organizing related ideas more clearly under each paragraph. This involves not only stating a main idea at the beginning of a paragraph but also developing it thoroughly with examples and explanations throughout.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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