The obesity rate among teenagers has increased dramatically in many developed countries. discuss some possible reasons for this problem and suggest solutions

The issue of
obesity
rates among teenagers
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
increased dramatically in many developed countries
is
Correct word choice
and is
show examples
growing rapidly around the globe for the time being.
This
is a worrying trend, since it results in
suffers
Wrong verb form
suffering
show examples
from many diseases. From my perspective, the most detrimental outcomes of
this
problem are obese teens may experience low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and body image issues, which can negatively impact their
overall
well-being
along
Change preposition
apply
show examples
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
obesity
during adolescence is associated with a higher risk of premature death
due to
an increased likelihood of developing chronic diseases at a younger age and limit sugary drinks, fast food and processed snack
together with
aim for at least 60 minutes of moderate to vigorous physical activity each day can be considered as viable solutions to it. One of the most widespread and significant effects of
this
problem is obese teenagers can face discrimination and violence, which can lead to feelings of isolation and exacerbate mental health problems. In order to resolve
this
issue I deem that its root causes should be first addressed. Perhaps the most effective method of doing
this
would be
encourage
Fix the infinitive
to encourage
show examples
teens to eat a balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins. By way of conclusion, I reckon that
obesity
rates among teenagers have increased dramatically triggering
obesity
limits the physical capabilities of adolescents, makes it difficult for them to participate in sports or physical activities, leads to a sedentary lifestyle and reduced quality of life
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
clearly a problem of
such
complexity that no solutions
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
likely in the short term.
Nonetheless
, I believe that
limit
Replace the word
limiting
show examples
sugary drinks, fast food and processed snacks and
aim
Wrong verb form
aiming
show examples
for at least 60 minutes of moderate to vigorous physical activity each day would constitute a very good first step. Charos
Submitted by saydusmonovasomiddin94 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Your essay provides an overview of the problem and potential solutions, which is a good start. However, to improve Task Achievement, ensure that the prompt is fully addressed by discussing reasons for the issue as well as suggesting more detailed solutions. Integrate more specific examples or evidence to support your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance Coherence and Cohesion, focus on structuring your essay more logically. Start with an introduction that clearly states your stance or outlines the essay, followed by distinct paragraphs for reasons and solutions. Use more varied transitional phrases to link ideas and paragraphs smoothly.
Language
Consider rephrasing sentences that are awkward or grammatically incorrect to improve readability. Additionally, avoid repeating phrases and aim for a more diverse vocabulary to better engage your readers.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • dramatically
  • prevalence
  • addictive
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • gadgets
  • exertion
  • awareness
  • balanced diet
  • incorporate
  • nutritional education
  • facilitating
  • impose
  • regulations
  • restricting
  • promote
What to do next:
Look at other essays: