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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some schools agree that fast-food restaurants and supermarkets can promote their products in school and that schools benefit from it. Is it a positive or negative development?

#schools #fast-food #restaurants #supermarkets #products #school #benefit #development
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In the present day of education,
schools
 are
also
 being commercialized by allowing numerous amenities to serve children. A number of
schools
 are now preparing to rationalize
opening
Correct article usage
the opening
show examples
 of fast-food restaurants and supermarkets in order to increase the quality and inclusiveness of
schools
while
also
 somehow benefiting students. It is my
contentiont
Correct your spelling
contention
 that
although
this
 trend has some apparent merits, it is entirely devoid of drawbacks. First and foremost, I think many
schools
 should gravitate towards
this
 trend by letting restaurants and markets
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
run their businesses inside the boundaries of education centres owing to incorporated salients benefits. Having ready-meal
restorants
Correct your spelling
restaurants
 will dissipate the necessity for children to either bring their own
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
 or put off their classes. To exemplify
this
 statement, in the majority of Turkish
schools
, there are restaurants serving fast-food options
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the schoolers to devour during breaks.
Additionally
,
this
 initiative can
also
 mean a substantial endowment prospect for the
schools
 without actually incurring any expenses at all. Excess funding generated from these businesses can be put back
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 business operations to alleviate the quality of education or to purchase new technological equipment
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the classrooms.
On the other hand
, after having a meticulous review
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
 activity, I come to the conclusion that these businesses can pose a formidable threat to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
juveniles since, as the promoters the first they are going to implement will be
undermine
Fix the infinitive
to undermine
show examples
school's
Correct article usage
the school's
show examples
 quality and safety policies by advertising junk food which is terrible for the students. To cite an example, shop owners will put the products that are most addictive and eye-catching to the youngsters to exploit their weaknesses by selling dangerous products like
cigarattes
Correct your spelling
cigarettes
 and vapes. In conclusion,
while
 the boons are true for those
schools
 which allow commercial products to be promoted at their respective pantry and
cafeteria
Fix the agreement mistake
cafeterias
show examples
, the potential
disadvanatages
Correct your spelling
disadvantages
 will still remain unless there are frequent regulatory controls.
Submitted by orkhanshamil on

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task achievement
To improve your score in task achievement, aim for a more balanced discussion on both the positive and negative aspects of the issue, ensuring that your opinion is clear throughout the essay. Additionally, work on developing your arguments more thoroughly, providing deeper analysis and reflection on how these developments affect schools and students.
coherence and cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, structure your essay more effectively by clearly delineating paragraphs for introductions, arguments, and conclusions. Use a variety of transition words to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. Aim to make each paragraph focus on one main idea, supported by examples or reasons, which makes your argument more comprehensible and persuasive.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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