IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

recent years, The number of crimes committed by young people in major City throughout the world is increasing. discuss this issue. give reason and suggest some solutions.

#years #crimes #people #city #world #reason
Nowadays, as technology
became
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 advanced, the
quantity
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of criminal cases
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
increase
Change the verb form
increased
show examples
 significantly, especially in
Correct article usage
the millenial
show examples
millenial
Correct your spelling
millennial
 generation.
However
, some scientists research the reason behind
this
 case
while
 the government tries to find the solution
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 chaos. Result of the research in Behaviour Journal shows that social
media
 became one of the
reason
Change to a plural noun
reasons
show examples
 behind
this
 case. The researcher see how young people became addicted to
instagram
Change the capitalization
Instagram
show examples
,
tiktok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
 or other social
media
 instantly and can not be separated with their handphones.
This
 behaviour can cause mental health
such
 as stress, anxiety and personal
disorder
Fix the agreement mistake
disorders
show examples
.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
other
Correct article usage
the other
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 side,
ineadequate
Correct your spelling
inadequate
 parental supervision, often as
result
Add an article
a result
show examples
 of busy modern life,
leaving
Wrong verb form
leaves
show examples
 their children to negative influences
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
. The combination
between
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of
show examples
 addiction
of
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to
show examples
 social
media
 and lack of parental guidance
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to criminal
act
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acts
show examples
.
This
 situation
need
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needs
show examples
 to be handled in order to avoid the chaos. Based on the result of the previous research, the government of Indonesia has taken some action
such
 as
launch
Wrong verb form
launching
show examples
 the forbidden regulation for
student
Add an article
the student
a student
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 to bring their handphone
while
 they study in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school.
In addition
, the Ministry of Communication
also
restrict
Change the verb form
restricts
show examples
 some
harmfull
Correct your spelling
harmful
website
Fix the agreement mistake
websites
show examples
 in the country.
Besides
, the school
also
launch
Wrong verb form
launched
show examples
 some programs to promote family support
initiative
Fix the agreement mistake
initiatives
show examples
such
 as "Family Days". It can help parents to understand and give better supervision to their children. In the end, we can conclude that social
media
 can cause harm to the young generation which
lead
Change the verb form
leads
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
criminal action.
However
, the collaboration between the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
,
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 and
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 can help to decrease the criminal cases caused by teenagers. "Family Days" and some government programs are proven effective in helping
millenial
Correct your spelling
millennial
 generations avoid
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
negative influences.
Submitted by kucinglab on

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task achievement
Focus on creating a clear thesis statement in your introduction to define your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction should present the topic and your main argument, followed by body paragraphs each containing a single main idea with examples, and a conclusion that summarizes the main ideas and restates your position.
task achievement
Use more specific examples and data to support your arguments. This will help draw a clear connection between your claims and the evidence you provide.
coherence cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures to improve the readability and flow of your essay.
general
Check for grammatical errors and typos before submitting your essay as they can distract from your argument.
task achievement
Try to engage with the prompt more directly by explicitly discussing the reasons behind and solutions to the issue of youth crime, rather than focusing broadly on the negative impacts of social media.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • glorification
  • economic disparities
  • survival
  • social status
  • inadequate
  • prone
  • negative influences
  • disillusionment
  • antisocial behavior
  • engaging
  • vocational training
  • apprenticeships
  • underprivileged
  • mentorship
  • recreational facilities
  • constructive activities
  • community degradation
  • parental guidance
What to do next:
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