IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In today's world, people spend a lot of money on appearance because they want to look younger. Why does this happen? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#world #people #money #appearance #happen #development
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In the modern day, there is an increase in
people
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 who
expend
Verb problem
spend
show examples
 their income aiming to own a younger
appearance
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. The primary reason for these
appearance
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 expenditures is the concern of ugly
appearance
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 and societal perspective on
beauty
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 criteria. In light of
this
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, I contend that
this
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 trend has an adverse influence on public
health
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. It is crucial to acknowledge that the old
appearance
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 exerts a considerable impact on the individuals’ worry leading to the spending of
money
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.
This
Linking Words
 is especially so if they are strongly ambitious to have
beauty
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 forever like in folklore which often sets the long-lasted young characters and unrealistic expectations.
As a result
Linking Words
, the amount of expenditure is spent on cosmetic surgery to enhance
appearance
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 looking younger. Take Asian
people
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 as a pertinent example where there has been an immense number of
people
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 using
money
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 for
appearance
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 improvement. It must
also
Linking Words
 be recognized that societal attitudes toward
beauty
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 standards exert a thoughtful effect on the motivations behind decisions of spending.
In other words
Linking Words
, advanced technology can alter the
appearance
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 of wonderful
beauty
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, leading to the improved mindset of
people
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 on
beauty
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.
As a consequence
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, more and more
people
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 spend
money
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 on plastic surgery, primarily motivated by the surrounding
people
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’s thoughts and societal norms.
Nevertheless
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,
appearance
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 alteration has a profound
health
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 consequence on individuals. Despite their ambition and superstitious belief, using
money
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 in order to improve their
appearance
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 with the results often leads to potential damage inside their body. After a long period of post-surgery,
people
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 will realize the negative influence, causing mental
health
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such
Linking Words
 as depression and physical
health
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 motivating cancer. China is a prime example, where many
people
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 suffer from illness caused by the wrong expenditure on
appearance
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 development.
Thus
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, the
beauty
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 concern and societal attitudes toward younger
appearance
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 contribute to the growth of
people
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 spending
money
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.
Therefore
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, it should have been demonstrated that
this
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 phenomenon has a negative impact on
people
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’s
health
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.
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coherence cohesion
Please ensure your introduction and conclusion clearly outline your main argument and recapitulate your stance and reasoning. This will strengthen the logical structure of your essay.
task achievement
Try to provide more varied and detailed examples to support your main points. Examples rooted in research, statistics, or personal anecdotes can significantly enhance the persuasiveness of your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth and logical transitions between paragraphs. Using transition words and phrases will help to improve the flow of your essay, making it easier for the reader to follow your line of reasoning.
task achievement
While addressing the prompt, avoid generalities and strive for specificity when discussing examples or reasons supporting your viewpoint. This will make your ideas clearer and more comprehensive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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