IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that dancing is an important subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time.​What are positive and negative sides of art at school?​​Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples ​from your experience or knowledge. Write about 180-220 words.

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In today's fast-paced world, individuals hold diverse opinions on
wide
Add an article
a wide
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 range of topics.
The
Change preposition
Regarding the
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 issue of dancing as
an
Change the article
a
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 vital
subject
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 that should be included in
Use synonyms
school
Add an article
the school
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 curriculum, opinions are divided, with some supporting it and others
oppose
Wrong verb form
opposing
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 it. The positive effects of including
this
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subject
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 at
school
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 is that it
act
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acts
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 as
an
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a
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 physical exercise for
students
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 and it
also
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help
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helps
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 certain scholars to have their career from
this
Linking Words
subject
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.
On the other hand
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, the negative effects are lack
on
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of
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 concentration on major
subjects
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,
along with
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this
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 learners can face
more
Correct article usage
a more
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 stressful life.
To begin
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 with the pros of
this
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 controversy, the most prominent one is that
due to
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high
Correct article usage
the high
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 level of study
competetion
Correct your spelling
competition
students
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 do not have enough time to focus on their physical body,
thus
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 including dancing as
an
Change the article
a
show examples
subject
Use synonyms
 could help them to provide physical
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
 to their body.
Furthermore
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, there are some peers
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 are not
brillient
Correct your spelling
brilliant
 in
studies
Correct pronoun usage
their studies
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, but they have great dancing skills and they
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
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dream
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dreamed
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 of building their future career
from
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in
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dance
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,
hence
Linking Words
school
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 can help them to sharpen their skills from early childhood days.
For instance
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, Nora Fataghi a famous
bollywood
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Bollywood
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 dancer was a
week
Correct your spelling
weak
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 student, but she had joined
dance
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 classes at
school
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since
Change preposition
in
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 childhood
and
Correct word choice
apply
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today she earns billions of dollars from her
dance
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 in
fims
Correct your spelling
films
 and she has
also
Linking Words
 opened a
dance
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 academy in Mumbai to earn more. On the flip side, as soon as more
subjects
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such
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 as
dance
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, singing and art are added to
curriculum
Add an article
the curriculum
show examples
, the learners start neglecting their prior
subjects
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such
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 as Science, English and Mathematics that are
neccessary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 for their future growth.
Moreover
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, adding another
subject
Use synonyms
 to the
school
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 schedule of student means adding another layer of stress in their life.
Due to
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 hard competition in
schools
Add a comma
schools,
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students
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 are
stresses
Wrong verb form
stressed
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 to score better from their friends, if one more
subject
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dance
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 is added it is a daunting task for
certain
Correct article usage
a certain
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 number
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students
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of students
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 because some might not be interested in that.
For example
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, as per a
survay
Correct your spelling
survey
 report in 2022, in Cambridge
high
Correct your spelling
High School
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school
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, Dhuri, 3 juveniles
commited
Correct your spelling
committed
 suicide
due to
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 high study pressure when they had
dance
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 and learning
french
Capitalize word
French
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 as additional
subjects
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 in their schedule.
Therefore
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,
this
Linking Words
subject
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 must not be a
complusion
Correct your spelling
compulsion
,
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instead
Add a comma
instead,
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 it should be an option only. In conclusion, the debate surrounding
the
Correct word choice
whether the
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 arts should be included or not is multifaceted, with vital extrapolates mentioned above.
This
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 contemporary epoch is beneficial for some,
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whereas
Correct word choice
but
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have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 poor effects on certain
students
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.
Therefore
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, it should be optional to include
these
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
subjects
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
dance
Use synonyms
, craft etc.

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coherence cohesion
Work on the structural presentation of the essay to ensure a more logical flow. Aim for a clear introduction, body paragraphs focused on singular points, and a concise conclusion to improve your score in logical structure.
coherence cohesion
Try to include an explicit introduction and conclusion that directly address the prompt. Start with a thesis statement and end with a summary of your main points to strengthen your score in introduction and conclusion presentation.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph should center around one main idea. Use examples and explanations to fully support these points, but ensure they are directly linked to the topic for a higher score in supported main points.
task achievement
Fully address all parts of the task, ensuring that your essay provides a balanced view and a clear opinion on the topic for a higher score in complete response.
task achievement
Improve clarity by focusing on one idea per paragraph and being explicit in how each supports your argument. Use clear topic sentences and follow through with detailed explanations and examples for a higher score in clear and comprehensive ideas.
task achievement
To improve in providing relevant and specific examples, ensure that your examples are directly related to the points being made and clearly illustrate the argument or viewpoint for a richer essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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