IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Write two paragraphs. Paragraph 1: Compare Shanghai and Los Angeles. • Don't try to describe every detail. Identify the most significant information. Paragraph 2: Say which of the five cities provides the best environment overall, and why. • Present the various factors in order of priority and try to describe them in your own words, rather than using the descriptions in the table.

#two #paragraphs #paragraph #shanghai #los #angeles #detail #information #five #cities #environment #factors #priority #descriptions
Los Angeles and
Shanghai
 have a
little
Correct word choice
small
show examples
 range of considerable differences. The population differs by 1 million people to the advantage of
Shanghai
.
While
 the level of criminality is 5 times higher in Los Angeles.
However
, we can
also
 admit a lot of similarities between these two cities. Basic service provision is about 100% in both places and levels of ambient noise
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 similar either. Undoubtedly, the
overall
 condition of
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
 isn’t satisfactory. We can see notable divergences in these cities and only 3 of them have relatively same status. London,
Shanghai
 and Tokyo aren’t highly polluted and have a reasonably good environment.
In contrast
, Los Angeles and Mexico City have extremely low indexes of air purity.
Also
, there are some problems with heavy traffic jams, especially in Tokyo. So, all of the cities have strengths and weaknesses in different areas,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 the most optimal variant which provides the best environment is
Shanghai
.
Submitted by wegeeetz on

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coherence cohesion
Try to present your ideas in a more structured manner. Your introduction could more explicitly preview the main comparisons and contrasts you will discuss. Include topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader.
coherence cohesion
To improve your cohesion, use a wider range of linking words and phrases to better connect your ideas. Variations beyond 'however' can enrich your text, such as 'on the other hand', 'meanwhile', 'furthermore', etc.
task achievement
While your essay addresses the task, there's room to deepen your analysis. Consider not just stating facts, but also explaining the implications of these comparisons. Why does a higher population or higher criminality rate matter? Make your reasoning explicit.
task achievement
To refine your response, ensure your arguments are balanced by discussing both similarities and differences in detail, and explain why these points are significant. This will lend your essay a more comprehensive and nuanced perspective.
task achievement
When concluding, clearly summarize your findings before stating your final opinion. This can make your conclusion stronger and give your essay a sense of closure.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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