IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that the best way to improve road safety is to increase the minimum legal age for driving a car or motorbike. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #road #safety #age #car #motorbike
Some individuals believe that the method of minimizing
risk
Correct article usage
the risk
show examples
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 traffic
accident
Fix the agreement mistake
accidents
show examples
 is changing the
age
that is
 allowed for owning driving
license
Fix the agreement mistake
licenses
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 vehicles and motorbikes. I do not agree with
this
 perspective because the
age
that is
 allowed currently is enough for acquiring skills for driving.
Instead
 of
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
training
courses
, providing
driving
Correct article usage
a driving
show examples
license
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 should be qualified.
Firstly
, the minimum
age
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 holding
driving
Add an article
the driving
a driving
show examples
license
 is 18 which
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
should not be changed.
This
 is because people who reach the
age
18
Change preposition
of 18
show examples
means
Verb problem
are
show examples
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
show examples
,
therefore
, those people should be responsible for their
any
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
activities including traffic
accident
Fix the agreement mistake
accidents
show examples
. If the
age
 allowance
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
needs to be changed for holding
Correct article usage
a driver
show examples
driver
Change noun form
driver's
show examples
license
,
which
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 could
be affected
Wrong verb form
affect
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other social
impact
Fix the agreement mistake
impacts
show examples
such
 as unemployment.
For example
, there are many
drivers
work
Wrong verb form
working
show examples
 in
mining
Correct article usage
the mining
show examples
 and construction sectors
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
18
Change preposition
of 18
show examples
. In
this
 case, the result of
this
 change would encourage the number of unemployed
drivers
.
Secondly
, the growing number of accidents is not basically
Correct article usage
a resulted
show examples
resulted
Replace the word
result
show examples
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the
age
 of
drivers
. It is because of
quality
Correct article usage
the quality
show examples
 of training
courses
. If those
courses
 improve their training method and requirements of their graduates,
drivers
 would be more skilled.
For example
, some people hold
driver
Change noun form
driver's
show examples
license
Fix the agreement mistake
licenses
show examples
 without attending any
trainings
Fix the agreement mistake
training
show examples
 because some of them offer money for
polices
Correct subject-verb agreement
police
show examples
 to get
license
Add an article
a license
the license
show examples
 without
graduation
Correct article usage
a graduation
show examples
 exam.
This
 trend could be caused bigger reason for the improving number of road safety issues.
To conclude
, changing the
age
 that has to be written on the
driver
Change noun form
driver's
show examples
license
 would not make
difference
Correct article usage
a difference
show examples
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 improving traffic safety because it could
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
affect
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
some socio-economic issues
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 our society.
Instead
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
training
courses
 need to improve their quality and requirements, which prepare
drivers
 of cars and motorbikes.
Submitted by zulzayanyamkhu on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly states your stance on the topic. A precise thesis statement will help guide the reader through your essay.
task achievement
To enhance clarity and comprehensive ideas, make sure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. Support these ideas with specific examples or data where possible.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, use a variety of linking words effectively to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. This will make the flow of your essay more logical and easier to follow.
task achievement
To strengthen your argument, include more specific examples and evidence to support your points. This adds credibility and depth to your responses.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your conclusion summarizes your main points and reiterates your stance on the issue. It should clearly reflect the arguments made in the body of your essay.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: