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Writing Samples
Band 7

the table below gives information on the gender,marital status and age of employees in the retail and manufacturing industries in one country.

the table below gives information on the gender,marital status and age of employees in the retail and manufacturing industries in one country.
The table featured above illustrates the data about employees'
age
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,marital status and gender who work in retail and manufacturing
industries
Use synonyms
 in a particular country.
Overall
Linking Words
,what stands out from the chart is that
while
Linking Words
 males
accounts
Change the verb form
account
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 for the most part of the manufacturing
industries
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,females are an essential part of retail
industries
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.Another interesting point is that in retail
industries
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,most of the workforce
are
Change the verb form
is
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 over 40,
whereas
Linking Words
 in manufacturing,it is between 28 and 39. Looking into detail,there is a slight difference between male and female employees in
retail
Add an article
the retail
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 industry,precisely,the former make up 47% and the latter constitute 53%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,it is different for manufacturing
industries
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,the percentage of males is nearly twice as much as females,with 65% and 35% respectively.As regards the marital status of the workforce,the numbers are nearly the same for both retail and manufacturing
industries
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,single ones make up 39% and 31% and married ones are responsible for 61% and 69% respectively. With regard to the
age
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 interval,16-27 and 62+ people are the least ones,whilst people aged between 28 and 39 account for the most of the whole.
Also
Linking Words
,employees who are at the
age
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 of 40-51 made up a considerable part of the whole,with 34% and 28% for retail and manufacturing
industries
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 in turn.Ultimately,
average
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the average
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age
Use synonyms
 for the retail industry is 40,approximately the same
with
Change preposition
as
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manufacturing
Correct article usage
the manufacturing
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 industry
with
Change preposition
at
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 44.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, industries with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
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