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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good member of society. Others however believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Some argue that it's the parent's responsibility to teach
children
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 how to be good members of society,
while
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 others think school is the best place where they should learn to become valuable members. The supporter of teaching
children
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 by
parents
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 has
for reaching
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far-reaching
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 implications in developing social skills. Simply put,
parents
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 play a crucial role in the upbringing of their offspring. In effect, Mothers and fathers are the first individuals
Change preposition
with who
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who
Change the pronoun
whom
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children
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 spend their time
on
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apply
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them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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. As an illustration,
children
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 have always emulated a parent's
behaviour
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.
Therefore
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, the type of
parents
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'
behaviour
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,
such
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 as donating to charity, lending a hand to elderly people, and lack of respect for each other, will have
substantial
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a substantial
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 impact on
children
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.
On the other hand
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, others put forward the argument that school provides an ideal environment in which to foster good
behaviour
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. To elaborate on
this
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, the second setting is where
children
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 spend their time in school. In fact, they are faced with their instructor and a classmate having a diverse perspective.
For instance
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, in Japan, cleaning classes are done by students, so they do not have any waiters in their schools. They know that cleaning their classes is one of their duties and over time
this
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behaviour
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 will instil and exercise
such
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 manners in their entire life. In conclusion,
although
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parents
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 and schools have their responsibility in turn, I would argue that both education institutes and mothers and fathers are responsible for the growth of
children
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 and shaping their personalities.

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Grammar
Be careful with verb tense consistency. Make sure that your essay maintains a consistent tense unless changing it to suit specific time references.
Sentence Structure
Work on varying your sentence structures to include more complex and compound sentences. This will make your writing more engaging and demonstrate a higher level of English proficiency.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider refining the transition between paragraphs for smoother logical flow. Phrases like 'On the other hand' are good, but additional linking words can enhance coherence.
Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, make sure to directly address the essay prompt in your introduction and conclusion, explicitly stating your own opinion in relation to the discussion points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • role models
  • moral values
  • social norms
  • structured environment
  • cooperation
  • respect
  • communal responsibilities
  • decision-making
  • societal integration
  • consistent messages
  • cultural expectations
  • complementary roles
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