IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that children of all ages should have extra responsibilities (for example, helping at home or at work). Others believe that, outside of school, children should be free to enjoy their lives. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #children #ages #responsibilities #home #work #school #lives
Advocates of nurturing young people
through
Change preposition
by
show examples
 letting them take over the responsibilities of
house works
Correct your spelling
housework
show examples
such
 as cooking and cleaning
while
 others hold a belief
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 giving them freelance to relax after school.
Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 think that children can be merited by the former, I am persuaded by the persuasive
reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the latter. On the one hand, offspring will get a large number of benefits by taking charge of domestic tasks. Those who help their parents with household chores are likely to be more confident when living independently thanks to soft skills.
For example
, Vietnamese students who assist their parents with cooking when they are at
early
Correct article usage
an early
show examples
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
, show superior preparations of meals by themselves during tertiary periods.
As a result
, they save a large amount of money from
this
 and are capable of dealing with other demands independently.
For
this
reason
, obtaining essential skills is a great advantage of taking over extra roles.
However
,
this
 is shadowed by
outstanding
Correct article usage
the outstanding
show examples
 benefits of encouraging them to enjoy their lives thanks to
reason
Correct article usage
the reason
show examples
giving
Wrong verb form
given
show examples
 below.
On the other hand
, I believe that the youth should be in leisure when finishing study at school. The pressure of
competences
Correct your spelling
competencies
show examples
 in
study
Add an article
the study
a study
show examples
 put an enormous trait
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 young students leading to be more prone to mental illnesses
such
 as stress,
depression
Correct word choice
and depression
show examples
.
Therefore
, giving
relaxing
Correct pronoun usage
them relaxing
show examples
time
 is an effective way for them to
minimum
Replace the word
minimise
show examples
 the pressure in order to have good
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
 for their academic performances.
For instance
, Chinese parents facilitate good conditions for their kids like helping them to tidy their rooms,
sustaining
Correct word choice
and sustaining
show examples
 amenities to unwind
instead
 of giving them household tasks thereby letting them get flying
color
Fix the agreement mistake
colors
show examples
 in university entrance
exam
Fix the agreement mistake
exams
show examples
.
Therefore
,
this
 is the most outstanding
reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 allowing young
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
 to have free
time
 when they are outside educational
intuitions
Correct your spelling
institutions
show examples
. In conclusion, despite the benefit of skills via giving young
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 ages with
additionally
Change the word
additional
show examples
 domestic responsibilities, the advantage of facilitating free
time
 for
time
 is more significantly persuasive.
Submitted by vantueman496 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure your response fully addresses all parts of the task. Make sure your essay has a clear opinion throughout and directly relates all discussion points to the question. Expand your examples to be more specific and directly tied to your main argument.
coherence and cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, work on smoothly transitioning between ideas and paragraphs using a variety of linking words and phrases. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea supported by relevant details. Also, consider varying sentence structures to improve readability.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • extra responsibilities
  • develop skills
  • life lessons
  • work ethic
  • sense of responsibility
  • contribute to
  • family
  • community
  • playtime
  • physical development
  • mental development
  • balance
  • enjoyment
  • guide
  • childhood
What to do next:
Look at other essays: