IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

People in many countries are spending less time with their families. What are the reasons and effect of this?

#people #countries #time #families #effect
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In today's
world
Add a comma
world,
show examples
 all walks of life have limited time to socialize with their families
due to
Linking Words
 several reasons.
This
Linking Words
 essay will delve into the reasons behind
this
Linking Words
 issue and its possible effects on society. The contributing factors
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
Linking Words
 problem are striking a balance between job and home,
as well as
Linking Words
 social platforms. Many people, especially children immerse themselves in social media to interact with their friends through sending posts and reels, which prevents deep conversations among family members.
For example
Linking Words
, most people glue their phones to scroll on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social platforms
such
Linking Words
 as Instagram and Twitter even
while
Linking Words
 eating at family gatherings like dinner or breakfast.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 past, individuals
work
Wrong verb form
worked
show examples
 under high pressure and tight schedules which makes
clear
Correct pronoun usage
it clear
show examples
 that they have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
limited time to spend their time with
a
Change the word
their
show examples
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
. Thanks to
this
Linking Words
 poor work-life balance, people fail to value their family gatherings. It is evident that
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 interactions with family may have dire consequences
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 relationships and attitudes. Unless members of the family share
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
show examples
 or problems,
this
Linking Words
 may create a gap and damage a strong
band
Correct your spelling
bond
show examples
 between members.
In addition
Linking Words
 to
this
Linking Words
, if parents take care of their children inadequately,
this
Linking Words
 has a detrimental impact on their children’s mental health, making feel them careless and insufficient. In conclusion, social media and
failing
Replace the word
failure
show examples
 to balance
between
Change preposition
apply
show examples
work and home are contributing factors to diminish the regular
communications
Fix the agreement mistake
communication
show examples
 within
family
Add an article
the family
a family
show examples
. It is inevitable that it will pave the way for relationships to weaken.
Submitted by writingbhos on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay has a strong introduction and conclusion; however, adding a thesis statement and topic sentences could enhance readability and conciseness.
task achievement
Adding more specific examples and details to support your main points will make your arguments more convincing and substantive. Consider sharing personal anecdotes, statistics, or research findings to provide clearer evidence for your claims.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: