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Band 5

People in many countries are spending less time with their families. What are the reasons and effect of this?

#people #countries #time #families #effect
In today's
world
Add a comma
world,
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 all walks of life have limited time to socialize with their families
due to
 several reasons.
This
 essay will delve into the reasons behind
this
 issue and its possible effects on society. The contributing factors
in
Change preposition
to
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this
 problem are striking a balance between job and home,
as well as
 social platforms. Many people, especially children immerse themselves in social media to interact with their friends through sending posts and reels, which prevents deep conversations among family members.
For example
, most people glue their phones to scroll on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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social platforms
such
 as Instagram and Twitter even
while
 eating at family gatherings like dinner or breakfast.
Secondly
,
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
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the
Change preposition
to the
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 past, individuals
work
Wrong verb form
worked
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 under high pressure and tight schedules which makes
clear
Correct pronoun usage
it clear
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 that they have
a
Correct article usage
apply
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limited time to spend their time with
a
Change the word
their
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family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
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. Thanks to
this
 poor work-life balance, people fail to value their family gatherings. It is evident that
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
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 interactions with family may have dire consequences
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 relationships and attitudes. Unless members of the family share
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
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 or problems,
this
 may create a gap and damage a strong
band
Correct your spelling
bond
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 between members.
In addition
 to
this
, if parents take care of their children inadequately,
this
 has a detrimental impact on their children’s mental health, making feel them careless and insufficient. In conclusion, social media and
failing
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failure
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 to balance
between
Change preposition
apply
show examples
work and home are contributing factors to diminish the regular
communications
Fix the agreement mistake
communication
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 within
family
Add an article
the family
a family
show examples
. It is inevitable that it will pave the way for relationships to weaken.
Submitted by writingbhos on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a strong introduction and conclusion; however, adding a thesis statement and topic sentences could enhance readability and conciseness.
task achievement
Adding more specific examples and details to support your main points will make your arguments more convincing and substantive. Consider sharing personal anecdotes, statistics, or research findings to provide clearer evidence for your claims.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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