IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealth. Some people think that the government has the responsibility to solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#countries #children #unhealth #people #government #responsibility
Over the
last
 few years, offspring are increasing
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 become
outweight
Correct your spelling
overweight
 and unhealthy. Some people argue that the country has the
responsibilitiy
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 to tackle
this
 issue.
While
 there is some truth to
this
 belief,
l
 would disagree with
this
 point of view for some sound reasons. On the one hand, the
government
 has the respond to
health
Add an article
the health
show examples
 of
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
young
Correct word choice
younger
show examples
 generations. The main argument
has
Verb problem
is
show examples
to overeat
Change preposition
that overeating
show examples
caused
Wrong verb form
causes
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children overweight and
also
 the
government
 should
be has to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
solve
this
issues
Fix the agreement mistake
issue
show examples
. To explain, the
goverenment
Correct your spelling
government
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 to
banned
Change the verb
ban
show examples
 unhealthy
foods
 for juveniles or they do not need to
produced
Wrong verb form
produce
show examples
 and
selling
Wrong verb form
sell
show examples
 because
this
 situation may be
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
very
damage
Replace the word
damaging
show examples
 for young
genarations
Correct your spelling
generations
generation
.
As a
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 reduce level become overweight among younger.
For example
, some countries banned sugar goods, fast
foods
sell
Change the form of the verb
sold
show examples
 to
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
.
Beside
Replace the word
Besides
show examples
 that the
sociaty recommented
Correct your spelling
society recommended
 to overeat more
walk
Replace the word
walking
show examples
,
run
Replace the word
running
show examples
 and
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
such
Change preposition
as this
show examples
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 rules helped to unhealthy. If
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
would
Verb problem
had
show examples
 not
banned
Change the verb form
ban
be banned
show examples
sell
Wrong verb form
selling
show examples
 some
damage
Replace the word
damaged
show examples
foods
 in their places, people would
were
Verb problem
not have
show examples
suffer
Wrong verb form
suffered
show examples
 from some
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
yet
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.
On the other hand
, the
government
has
Verb problem
does
show examples
 not the responsibility to solve
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 issues because
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
has
Verb problem
are
show examples
 other matter
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 than
this
 condition.
Moreover
, not only society fathers and mothers should
be respond
Change the verb form
respond
show examples
 to their
health
 or
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
health
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
. The
government
 always can not observe
to overeat if
Change the verb form
overeating
show examples
 their
populations
Fix the agreement mistake
population
show examples
.
However
, parents can
helped to
Wrong verb form
help
show examples
yheir
Correct your spelling
their
 boys and girls
that is
 they can
self-esteem
Add a missing verb
have self-esteem
show examples
as well as
 younger
too
Correct pronoun usage
ones too
show examples
.
For example
,
l
 do not buy
unhealth
Correct your spelling
unhealthy
show examples
 goods because
l
 do know they damage
foods
l
 do not eat.
As a
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
l
 am not overweight among my
freinds
Correct your spelling
friends
. In a word, the society has not compulsory to tackle
this
 problem. In
conclution
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, the
government
 should
banned
Change the verb form
ban
show examples
some products
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 offspring and people do not need to
overeating
Change the verb
overeat
show examples
 because
this
 is very
benefits
Replace the word
beneficial
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their
health
.
Submitted by soglomovsarvar on

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logical structure
To improve your score, ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Currently, the structure is somewhat confusing, making your arguments hard to follow.
introduction conclusion present
Make sure to include an introduction and conclusion that clearly state your viewpoint and summarize your main points. This will improve the overall flow and coherence of your essay.
supported main points
Support your arguments with specific examples and explanations. Currently, your main points are not clearly supported, which affects your essay's persuasiveness.
complete response
Ensure that your essay addresses the task fully by presenting a clear argument throughout the essay. It seems your response veers off-topic occasionally, which affects your task achievement score.
clear comprehensive ideas
Clarify your ideas and arguments to make them more comprehensible. Try to present your points in a structured and logical manner, using clear and concise language.
relevant specific examples
Incorporate more relevant and specific examples to support your argument. This will make your essay more convincing and engaging.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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