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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Today many people frequently change their jobs. What problems does it create? How to solve them?

#people #change #jobs
Although
 many argue that the increase in the rate of switching
occupation
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occupations
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 is hugely benefit for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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employees
 as they gain new skills when are constantly exposed to new environments, these developments cause negative consequences to the businesses as they would need to invest a large sum of money in human resources.
Therefore
,
this
 problem
need
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needs
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 to be tackled as soon as possible, possibly by the improvement of intrinsic rewards. It is crystal clear that the
fund
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funds
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 for
training
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the training
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 and development
for
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of
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 new workers are huge for businesses with high turnover
rate
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rates
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. The end-to-end process
to acquire
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of acquiring
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 a new talent incurs significant
cost
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costs
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.
For example
, companies need to pay head hunters to get contacts of potential candidates, waste time to scan
CV
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CVs
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 and interview highly suitable ones,
as well as
 fund training
programes
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programmes
programs
 for newly accepted
employees
.
Furthermore
, in case the company cannot find any replacement, the disruption caused is unmeasurable, as the retired
employees
 leave gaps in
company's
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the company's
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 functions.
While
 some policymakers suggest improvement in the amount of extrinsic rewards (
such
 as salary or bonus) to solve
this
 serious issue, I prefer a strong personal development plan as an antidote to
this
 condition. Without a clear path of growth serving as an intrinsic motivation,
employees
 are easily attracted by better offers from competitors.
This
 solution works as it creates a very strong bond between the firm and its human resources. Studies have shown that the availability of intrinsic motivations
are
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is
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 one of the most reliable indicators to tell whether an employee would stay in a company for over five years. The acceleration
from
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in
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 the number of people changing their career path is inevitable and can cause huge costs to the firms. By improving how
ones
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one
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perceive
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perceives
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 their development in the firm, companies get to keep their talents and save a large amount of budget.
Submitted by hoagloc on

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Task Achievement
Enhance the support of your arguments with more varied and concrete examples to strengthen your position. While you did provide an example regarding the costs of hiring new employees, incorporating additional, diverse examples could further validate your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider more varied transitional phrases and ensure each paragraph seamlessly connects to the next. Although your essay has a good structure, employing a wider range of transitions can enhance readability and flow.
Language
While your essay addresses the topic well, striving for more precise and sophisticated language could enhance the overall quality. Work on polishing your sentence structure and vocabulary to make your writing more compelling.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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