Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would be little effects on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
While
some people
believe that building more sports
facilities
is the most effective approach to improve
residents’ Wrong verb form
improving
health
, others argue that this
has
not Verb problem
does
many
positive effects on public Add a missing verb
have many
health
and they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
require
other measures. Personally, it seems to me that citizens could gain undeniable advantages from exercising at public Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
sports
places but other measures also
play an integral role in public health
improvement.
On the one hand, because prevention is better than cure, constructing sports
facilities
at
public places is a useful way to prevent citizens from diseases. Change preposition
in
This
makes not only physical but also
mental health
better since those places attract many people
come
and train together. Fix the infinitive
to come
Sports
facilities
, especially located
in public spaces will inspire residents, even children and the elderly to exercise. Correct pronoun usage
those located
Besides
exercising physically together, citizens may share common things in their life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
such
as mutual interests which bring them closer and recover their spirit after long working days. For example
, after witnessing an upward trend in the number of people
participating sports
games Change preposition
in sports
at
public spaces, Thailand recorded a significant reduction in the number of patients in hospitals to be treated by psychological therapy.
Change preposition
in
On the other hand
, healthcare
system and educational methods are making outstanding contributions to protecting public Correct article usage
the healthcare
health
. Firstly
, modern hospital facilities
which government
is taking into account ensure patients’ peace of mind to be cured in case of suffering diseases. Correct article usage
the government
In addition
, periodic health
checks organized by public hospitals help people
diagnose potential risks of diseases and find helpful treatments in an early manner. Lastly
, educational methods raise resident’s awareness in
Change preposition
of
process
of disease prevention and Correct article usage
the process
health
promotion which enable people
to increase control over their health
. Therefore
, public health
is protected actively by residents’ medical knowledge.
In conclusion, while
sports
facilities
certainly improve public health
, I do believe that other measures need to be invested in order to bring more medically
mental and physical benefits to residents.Change the word
medical
Submitted by buyabuya201 on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
task achievement
To improve task response, ensure a balanced discussion of both views alongside your own opinion. The essay does a good job but could further enhance by adding more specific examples or evidence to support statements.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence, consider varying your sentence structures and transitioning phrases to improve readability and flow between ideas even more. Your essay already shows strong cohesion, but varying sentence structure can make it even better.
task achievement
Increase the variety of examples you use to support your arguments. Real-world statistics, studies, or specific instances can make your arguments more convincing and provide a stronger foundation for your points.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example