Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would be little effects on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #health #sports #facilities #effects #measures

While

some

people

believe that building more

sports

facilities

is the most effective approach to

improve

Wrong verb form

improving

show examples

residents’

health

, others argue that

this

has

Verb problem

does

show examples

not

many

Add a missing verb

have many

show examples

positive effects on public

health

and

they

Correct pronoun usage

apply

show examples

require

Correct subject-verb agreement

requires

show examples

other measures. Personally, it seems to me that citizens could gain undeniable advantages from exercising at public

sports

places but other measures

also

play an integral role in public

health

improvement. On the one hand, because prevention is better than cure, constructing

sports

facilities

Change preposition

show examples

public places is a useful way to prevent citizens from diseases.

This

makes not only physical but

also

mental

health

better since those places attract many

people

come

Fix the infinitive

to come

show examples

and train together.

Sports

facilities

, especially

located

Correct pronoun usage

those located

show examples

in public spaces will inspire residents, even children and the elderly to exercise.

Besides

exercising physically together, citizens may share common things in their

life

Fix the agreement mistake

lives

show examples

such

as mutual interests which bring them closer and recover their spirit after long working days.

For example

, after witnessing an upward trend in the number of

people

participating

sports

Change preposition

in sports

show examples

games

Change preposition

show examples

public spaces, Thailand recorded a significant reduction in the number of patients in hospitals to be treated by psychological therapy.

On the other hand

healthcare

Correct article usage

the healthcare

show examples

system and educational methods are making outstanding contributions to protecting public

health

Firstly

, modern hospital

facilities

which

government

Correct article usage

the government

show examples

is taking into account ensure patients’ peace of mind to be cured in case of suffering diseases.

In addition

, periodic

health

checks organized by public hospitals help

people

diagnose potential risks of diseases and find helpful treatments in an early manner.

Lastly

, educational methods raise resident’s awareness

Change preposition

show examples

process

Correct article usage

the process

show examples

of disease prevention and

health

promotion which enable

people

to increase control over their

health

Therefore

, public

health

is protected actively by residents’ medical knowledge. In conclusion,

while

sports

facilities

certainly improve public

health

, I do believe that other measures need to be invested in order to bring more

medically

Change the word

medical

show examples

mental and physical benefits to residents.

Submitted by buyabuya201 on Sun Mar 24 2024

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task achievement

To improve task response, ensure a balanced discussion of both views alongside your own opinion. The essay does a good job but could further enhance by adding more specific examples or evidence to support statements.

coherence cohesion

To enhance coherence, consider varying your sentence structures and transitioning phrases to improve readability and flow between ideas even more. Your essay already shows strong cohesion, but varying sentence structure can make it even better.

task achievement

Increase the variety of examples you use to support your arguments. Real-world statistics, studies, or specific instances can make your arguments more convincing and provide a stronger foundation for your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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11Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
16Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

318 words

5.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would be little effects on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

‘The best way to educate children is by using the Internet in every lesson.’ To what extent do you share this opinion? What other ways are there of making lessons effective for children?

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Some people think that the fictional violence portrayed on television is harmless entertainment. Others disagree and think that it encourages violent behaviour. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.