An increasing number of people are choosing to have cosmetic surgery in order to improve their appearance. Why are more people choosing to have operations to change the way they look? Do you think this is a positive or negative developmen

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In
this
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modern era,
people
Use synonyms
normally spend their time watching TV and other entertainment shows. On the TV we often see plenty of public figures with high-level beauty appearances.
This
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leads to the audience expect the same face or
body
Use synonyms
figures as their idol.
As a result
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, plastic
surgery
Use synonyms
has become a trend in society.
This
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essay will clarify why
this
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phenomenon is a negative situation.
To begin
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with, cosmetic
surgery
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is taken to enhance the beauty of the
body
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.
However
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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“beauty itself” is made up by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
that
Correct word choice
and
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they set up some unrealistic standards of
body
Use synonyms
types. In some
society
Fix the agreement mistake
societies
show examples
, women are considered appealing if they have full lips or sharp noses.
Consequently
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,
people
Use synonyms
lose confidence in themselves and are pursuing to fit the beauty standard.
This
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sort of mindset is disadvantageous because
people
Use synonyms
gradually lose their self-esteem and satisfaction. In many cases,
people
Use synonyms
tend to do multiple surgeries after one another which often
shape
Correct subject-verb agreement
shapes
show examples
their
Use synonyms
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
to appear disfigured, which
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
show examples
to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
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even destroy their goal,
instead
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of
actualize
Wrong verb form
actualising
show examples
it.
Furthermore
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, several
surgery
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methods are followed by subsequent potential health issues.
For instance
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, some
people
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opt for silicone gel to augment their breast size. Little do they know that they would be haunted by the probability of nerve damage or breast cancer.
Additionally
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, it is
also
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often
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
case, that some
people
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from lower
economy
Replace the word
economic
show examples
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
attempt to undergo a
surgery
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procedure with
economical
Add an article
the economical
an economical
show examples
price that
often
Add a missing verb
is often
show examples
done by incompetent
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
and often
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
show examples
the patient to suffer from its failure. In conclusion, I determine
this
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trend as an
unfavorable
Change the spelling
unfavourable
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issue which can disadvantage
people
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mentally and physically.
Submitted by syarahfatiha321 on

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task achievement
Your essay sufficiently addresses the topic, however, it leans heavily towards the negative aspects without considering the question: 'Why are more people choosing to have operations?' Make sure to answer all parts of the question comprehensively.
task achievement
Consider providing more balanced views on the topic by discussing not just the negative but also potential positive aspects, even if your conclusion leans towards the negative. This will help provide a more rounded response to the question posed.
coherence cohesion
Your essay displays a logical structure, but the transitions between ideas could be smoother. Use linking phrases like 'furthermore', 'in addition' or 'however' more effectively to guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Introduce more varied sentence structures and vocabulary to make your points. This not only enhances readability but also shows your language proficiency.
coherence cohesion
Incorporate specific examples or data to support your arguments. This not only strengthens your case but also demonstrates your ability to draw from real-world scenarios to support your opinion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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