IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

It is commonly believed that nowadays main factors that affect a child’s development are media, pop culture and friends. A different point of view is that family plays a significant role. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#factors #child’s #development #media #pop #culture #friends #point #role
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The
development
 of a
child
 is a
long term
Add a hyphen
long-term
show examples
 progress and
affected
Add a missing verb
is affected
show examples
 by many factors coming from both inside and outside of them. There are cases where
children
 are grown up with bad behaviours
due to
 the influence of media, pop
cultures
Fix the agreement mistake
culture
show examples
 and
friends
.
Beside
Replace the word
Besides
show examples
 that, there are
also
children
 whose parents
cause
Verb problem
have
show examples
 bad
affects
Replace the word
effects
show examples
 on their
development
. So what
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 the most important factors that affect a
child
's
development
?
Educational
Add an article
The educational
show examples
 environment seems to be an important factor as it directly forms the characteristics of
children
.
Enfants
Correct your spelling
Infants
 usually do what they were taught and perform what they think
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is fine.
In addition
,
friends
 are another factor to be concerned
when
Change preposition
about when
show examples
 we take into
accounts
Fix the agreement mistake
account
show examples
 all elements affecting their mental and physical health. The Vietnamese
ancient
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
stated that learning from
friends
 is
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
better than learning from teachers.
Therefore
 inappropriate
development
 of a
child
 can be a result of having
unproper
Correct your spelling
improper
friends
.
On
Change preposition
In
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other
word
Fix the agreement mistake
words
show examples
, pop
cultures
Fix the agreement mistake
culture
show examples
 and media which are not suitable for
children
also
cause
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a bad influence on the thinking of a
child
.
Children
 who spend most of their time playing video games or watching violent movies tend to have
vilolent
Correct your spelling
violent
 behaviours.
Nonetheless
,
children
 can avoid all of
above
Correct article usage
the above
show examples
 factors with the help of their parents. They are the
persons
Replace the word
people
show examples
who
Change the pronoun
whom
show examples
children
 believe in the most,
hence
 the words from their
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 are more important to them than those from
friends
, teachers or actors
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 movies.
Therefore
 in my point of view, family plays a significant role
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 deciding how a
children
Change the noun form
child
show examples
 is raised. In conclusion, I believe family is the main factor that
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 a strong influence on the
development
 of a
child
.
Submitted by nghiangh on

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Task Achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt partially but lacks depth in exploring both views. To improve, ensure you give equal attention to discussing both perspectives before presenting your opinion. Expand on each point with more detailed examples and explanations.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay starts with an introduction and ends with a conclusion, which is good. However, to enhance coherence, make sure each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that signals the main idea. Additionally, try to use a variety of linking words and phrases to better connect your ideas. This will make your argument more persuasive and easier to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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