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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some governments provide financial assistance for retired, unemployed and disabled citizens. In other countries, families provide support for these people. Discuss both systems and give your opinion about which one you think is better

#governments #assistance #citizens #countries #families #support #people #systems
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It is well
knonw
Correct your spelling
known
know
 that in some countries, Their communities
has
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have
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 special needs
such
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 as those who are retired, without a job, or mentally and physically disabled are receiving financial
assistance
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 from their
government
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.
However
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, in some other countries,
this
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 group of
people
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 are living without any subsidy and are forced to rely on their families.
This
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 essay will discuss both these political systems and provide reasons for why the system that provides financial
assistance
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 is better for the individuals
as well as
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 the society. Financial
assistance
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 from the
government
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 is vital and beneficial for
people
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 with special needs who cannot live independently.
For example
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, a person who has been in a car accident and
become
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becomes
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 injured is unable to function without
assistance
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. Unfortunately, their family members might not be available all the time to provide them with the
support
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 that they desperately need.
Thus
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, they need external help in order to survive and make ends meet.
In addition
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, a number of unemployed and disabled
people
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, after receiving financial
assistance
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the
Change preposition
from the
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government
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, are able to get back on their feet and contribute to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society. Those who are able to secure employment will
also
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 pay income tax which will
further
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 help other
people
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 to recover from their misfortune.
on the other hand
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, some other governments do not possess to provide financial
support
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 for those in need .
As a result
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,
families
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family
show examples
 members are expected to
support
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 these
people
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.
Although
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this
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 places pressure on numerous family members, they can provide better
support
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 especially
emotion
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emotional
show examples
support
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 for their love .
Furthurmore
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Furthermore
, the
people
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 with special needs might enjoy the
assistance
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 from their families more than the
government
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. In conclusion, even though disadvantaged citizens may benefit from both systems, I am of the opinion that the governments that provide financial subsidies are more helpful.
Therefore
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,
this
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 form of
government
Use synonyms
 should be widely encouraged.
Submitted by viewsoysoongnern on

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Task Achievement
Aim to offer more specific, real-life examples to support your arguments. While general statements are informative, detailed anecdotes or statistics could make your points more compelling and credible.
Task Achievement
Check for spelling and grammatical errors such as 'well knonw' which should be 'well known', and 'their communities has' which should be 'their communities have'. Additionally, watch for minor errors with articles ('a number of unemployed and disabled people' could simply be 'several unemployed and disabled people') that can distract from the overall clarity of your message.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence, be consistent in your essay's point of view. Switching from 'their' to 'our' or 'we' can confuse readers. Staying consistent helps maintain a coherent voice throughout the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Including transition phrases can aid in the flow of your essay, improving connectivity between sentences and paragraphs. Consider incorporating transitions such as 'Furthermore,' 'Additionally,' 'Moreover,' or 'On the contrary,' to signal shifts in ideas or to add information.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial assistance
  • retired
  • unemployed
  • disabled
  • government support
  • safety net
  • social security
  • pensions
  • poverty
  • social inequality
  • redistribute
  • wealth
  • savings
  • financial planning
  • political climate
  • economic stability
  • familial support
  • intergenerational
  • community ties
  • pressure
  • strained relationships
  • feasible
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