Some governments provide financial assistance for retired, unemployed and disabled citizens. In other countries, families provide support for these people. Discuss both systems and give your opinion about which one you think is better

It is well
knonw
Correct your spelling
known
know
that in some countries, Their communities
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
special needs
such
as those who are retired, without a job, or mentally and physically disabled are receiving financial
assistance
from their
government
.
However
, in some other countries,
this
group of
people
are living without any subsidy and are forced to rely on their families.
This
essay will discuss both these political systems and provide reasons for why the system that provides financial
assistance
is better for the individuals
as well as
the society. Financial
assistance
from the
government
is vital and beneficial for
people
with special needs who cannot live independently.
For example
, a person who has been in a car accident and
become
Change the verb form
becomes
show examples
injured is unable to function without
assistance
. Unfortunately, their family members might not be available all the time to provide them with the
support
that they desperately need.
Thus
, they need external help in order to survive and make ends meet.
In addition
, a number of unemployed and disabled
people
, after receiving financial
assistance
the
Change preposition
from the
show examples
government
, are able to get back on their feet and contribute to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. Those who are able to secure employment will
also
pay income tax which will
further
help other
people
to recover from their misfortune.
on the other hand
, some other governments do not possess to provide financial
support
for those in need .
As a result
,
families
Change the noun form
family
show examples
members are expected to
support
these
people
.
Although
this
places pressure on numerous family members, they can provide better
support
especially
emotion
Replace the word
emotional
show examples
support
for their love .
Furthurmore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, the
people
with special needs might enjoy the
assistance
from their families more than the
government
. In conclusion, even though disadvantaged citizens may benefit from both systems, I am of the opinion that the governments that provide financial subsidies are more helpful.
Therefore
,
this
form of
government
should be widely encouraged.
Submitted by viewsoysoongnern on

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Task Achievement
Aim to offer more specific, real-life examples to support your arguments. While general statements are informative, detailed anecdotes or statistics could make your points more compelling and credible.
Task Achievement
Check for spelling and grammatical errors such as 'well knonw' which should be 'well known', and 'their communities has' which should be 'their communities have'. Additionally, watch for minor errors with articles ('a number of unemployed and disabled people' could simply be 'several unemployed and disabled people') that can distract from the overall clarity of your message.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence, be consistent in your essay's point of view. Switching from 'their' to 'our' or 'we' can confuse readers. Staying consistent helps maintain a coherent voice throughout the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Including transition phrases can aid in the flow of your essay, improving connectivity between sentences and paragraphs. Consider incorporating transitions such as 'Furthermore,' 'Additionally,' 'Moreover,' or 'On the contrary,' to signal shifts in ideas or to add information.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial assistance
  • retired
  • unemployed
  • disabled
  • government support
  • safety net
  • social security
  • pensions
  • poverty
  • social inequality
  • redistribute
  • wealth
  • savings
  • financial planning
  • political climate
  • economic stability
  • familial support
  • intergenerational
  • community ties
  • pressure
  • strained relationships
  • feasible
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