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Writing Samples
Band 5

With the advancement in healthcare and technology, people now have a longer lifespan. Some argue that the retirement age which is normally 60 to 65 years of age should be adjusted to 70 years or even higher. To what extent do you agree with this opinion? Give reason and example to state your stance

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It is undoubtedly true that the emergence of technology has a significant bearing on almost every aspect of
people
Use synonyms
's lives, including health. With
this
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 in mind,
while
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 the majority of seniors usually retire at the
age
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 of 60 to 65 years old, some
people
Use synonyms
 contend that there should be an adjustment to the retirement
age
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 requirement of up to 70 years.
Although
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 health constraints are no longer a concern
due to
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 technological advancement, I strongly disagree with
this
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 view because it could be seen as human exploitation and there will be massive shifts in the workforce regulations. First and foremost, raising the retirement
age
Use synonyms
 to 70 or even higher can lead to violations of employee and human rights. To illustrate, if older
people
Use synonyms
 were
imposed
Verb problem
forced
show examples
 to be productive and spend all their
lifespan
Fix the agreement mistake
lifespans
show examples
 for
work
Use synonyms
, they could be at greater risk of suffering from
work
Use synonyms
-related stress and depression.
This
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 is because there will be no longer a balance between
work
Use synonyms
 and life, and I believe something
that is
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 imposed could lead to less motivation and enthusiasm. If
this
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 regulation is enforced, older generations can no longer enjoy their personal lives with their friends and family or the experience of trying new hobbies, which I personally think is the right of every human being. Another implication
that is
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 possible if
this
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 approach was implemented is that the opportunity
of
Change preposition
for
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 young
people
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 to choose the job they desire would be taken away. If old
people
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 still actively
work
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 at the
age
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 of 70 or higher, meaning that almost
the
Correct determiner usage
all
show examples
 upper management
position
Fix the agreement mistake
positions
show examples
 would be filled by them,
this
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 could
also
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 hinder the company's growth. The reason for
this
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 is
because
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 older generations lack
of
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
technology skills and tend to stick with the conventional
work
Use synonyms
 culture.
As a result
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, one's country's development may suffer. In conclusion, the retirement
age
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 of 60 to 65 years is already ideal for
employee
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
show examples
 to devote themselves
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 working. The consequences of psychological implications and cultural shifts in the job market and workplace should be taken into consideration before the implementation of
this
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 new regulation.

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Task Achievement
To enhance your task response, ensure that each argument is not only clear but also systematically supported by pertinent examples. While you present compelling arguments, further elaboration through more specific, real-life examples could strengthen your stance.
Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, focus on further refining the logical flow between paragraphs and individual sentences. Use a wider range of transitional phrases to more clearly signal the relationship between ideas. This will help to make the structure of your argument more apparent and your essay more cohesive.
Introduction and Conclusion in Coherence and Cohesion
Although your introduction and conclusion are present, strive for a more impactful conclusion that not only summarizes your stance but also leaves a memorable impression on the reader. Consider incorporating a forward-looking statement or a call to action which directly addresses the broader implications of your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • lifespan, life expectancy, retirement age, seasoned workforce, job market, pension schemes, technological advancements, psychological considerations, cultural shifts, automation, Artificial Intelligence (AI), financial implications, healthcare costs, societal impact
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