IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Teenagers in some nations work at jobs while they are still in school. Do you think it is a good idea for students to have jobs ? Use specific examples and reasons to explain your answer

#teenagers #nations #work #jobs #school #idea #students
Nowadays, in some
countries
Add a comma
countries,
show examples
teenagers
 are working
while
 still attending school. It is
hard
Correct article usage
a hard
show examples
 and complex topic, and in
general
Add a comma
general,
show examples
 the idea is great,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 it depends
from
Change preposition
on
show examples
 how it may be executed. I personally think that if
teenagers
 would not be overworked,
then
 that activity is beneficial for their development.
Overall
,
work
 is a fascinating experience for
teenagers
, it helps them understand basic financial ideas and would slowly
emmerge
Correct your spelling
emerge
 them into
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
corporate
life
.
For instance
, in
Iceland
Add a comma
Iceland,
show examples
 almost all
teenagers
work
 at
part time
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
 jobs, and experts say that
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation there is more
responsiable
Correct your spelling
responsible
 and
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
active
Add an article
an active
show examples
 role in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
life
 of
country
Add an article
the country
show examples
.
Moreover
,
teenagers
 should
work
 just on
part time
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
 jobs, so their school
life
 would not be affected.
Therefore
 it is
benefical
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 for both children and society.
On the other hand
 in some
countries
Add a comma
countries,
show examples
teenagers
 are not
legaly
Correct your spelling
legally
 protected, and they
work
 all day
totaly
Correct your spelling
totally
 ignoring education.
For instance
, in poor developing
countries
 with unstable political
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
, children
forced
Add a missing verb
are forced
show examples
 to
work
 from
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 young age,
therefore
 just
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 small fraction of them can have access to education.
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
show examples
 they
work
 at jobs with low entering qualifications and without any career development. In
this
 case,
teenagers
 would lose their opportunity to get a bright future. In conclusion, working for
teenagers
 is a great practice to gain a lot of useful skills.
However
, in some
countries
Add a comma
countries,
show examples
teenagers
 are forced to
work
instead
 of studying, and
that is
 harmful
tendentious
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
. I think that
teenagers
 should
work
 if it is not messing
school
Change preposition
with school
show examples
life
.
Submitted by dyussenovaanel on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance the logical structure, ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea that is fully expanded upon. Avoid general statements and aim to link all sentences coherently to the central argument of the paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Incorporate a clearer introductory paragraph that outlines your main argument and how you plan to support it. Similarly, ensure your conclusion succinctly summarizes your main points and restates your overall stance on the topic.
coherence cohesion
To improve on supported main points, integrate a wider range of examples and ensure that each example directly supports the point you are making. Use these examples to clearly illustrate your argument.
task achievement
To fully address the task, make sure your essay directly answers the question asked, providing a balanced view if necessary. Expand on your ideas with detailed explanations and examples to clearly convey your viewpoint.
task achievement
For clear and comprehensive ideas, focus on clarity in expressing your thoughts. Each paragraph should explore a single main idea related to the essay topic. Avoid ambiguity by defining terms and concepts when they are first introduced.
task achievement
Enhance the relevance and specificity of your examples by selecting instances that directly relate to the topic and deeply illustrate the point you're trying to make. Avoid generic examples and aim for specific, detailed cases that strengthen your argument.

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