IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Teenagers in some nations work at jobs while they are still in school. Do you think it is a good idea for students to have jobs ? Use specific examples and reasons to explain your answer

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Nowadays, in some
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countries
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countries,
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teenagers
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 are working
while
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 still attending school. It is
hard
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a hard
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 and complex topic, and in
general
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general,
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 the idea is great,
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however
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however,
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 it depends
from
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on
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 how it may be executed. I personally think that if
teenagers
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 would not be overworked,
then
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 that activity is beneficial for their development.
Overall
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,
work
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 is a fascinating experience for
teenagers
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, it helps them understand basic financial ideas and would slowly
emmerge
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emerge
 them into
a
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apply
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corporate
life
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.
For instance
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, in
Iceland
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Iceland,
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 almost all
teenagers
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work
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 at
part time
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part-time
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 jobs, and experts say that
young
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the young
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 generation there is more
responsiable
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responsible
 and
have
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has
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active
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an active
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 role in
a
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the
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life
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 of
country
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the country
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.
Moreover
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,
teenagers
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 should
work
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 just on
part time
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part-time
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 jobs, so their school
life
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 would not be affected.
Therefore
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 it is
benefical
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beneficial
 for both children and society.
On the other hand
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 in some
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countries
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countries,
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teenagers
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 are not
legaly
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legally
 protected, and they
work
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 all day
totaly
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totally
 ignoring education.
For instance
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, in poor developing
countries
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 with unstable political
situation
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situations
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, children
forced
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are forced
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 to
work
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 from
the
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a
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 young age,
therefore
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 just
the
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a
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 small fraction of them can have access to education.
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Moreover
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Moreover,
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 they
work
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 at jobs with low entering qualifications and without any career development. In
this
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 case,
teenagers
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 would lose their opportunity to get a bright future. In conclusion, working for
teenagers
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 is a great practice to gain a lot of useful skills.
However
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, in some
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countries
Add a comma
countries,
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teenagers
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 are forced to
work
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instead
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 of studying, and
that is
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 harmful
tendentious
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apply
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. I think that
teenagers
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 should
work
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 if it is not messing
school
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with school
show examples
life
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.

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coherence cohesion
To enhance the logical structure, ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea that is fully expanded upon. Avoid general statements and aim to link all sentences coherently to the central argument of the paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Incorporate a clearer introductory paragraph that outlines your main argument and how you plan to support it. Similarly, ensure your conclusion succinctly summarizes your main points and restates your overall stance on the topic.
coherence cohesion
To improve on supported main points, integrate a wider range of examples and ensure that each example directly supports the point you are making. Use these examples to clearly illustrate your argument.
task achievement
To fully address the task, make sure your essay directly answers the question asked, providing a balanced view if necessary. Expand on your ideas with detailed explanations and examples to clearly convey your viewpoint.
task achievement
For clear and comprehensive ideas, focus on clarity in expressing your thoughts. Each paragraph should explore a single main idea related to the essay topic. Avoid ambiguity by defining terms and concepts when they are first introduced.
task achievement
Enhance the relevance and specificity of your examples by selecting instances that directly relate to the topic and deeply illustrate the point you're trying to make. Avoid generic examples and aim for specific, detailed cases that strengthen your argument.
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